breakdown

i am sick...

the kind of sick that keeps me under the covers sleeping in...reading novels....dreaming some crazy dream, and then waking up realizing i just broke a fever....

it could be worse....I could have the flu...I think what I have is just some cold from the deep dark pits of hell...okay maybe not that bad...

I slept till 12pm today, and then until 2pm....finally began stirring around 5pm or 6pm...waiting to see if someone will graciously trade shifts with me tomorrow night...

this makes me think all sorts of things...it opens the wound of me asking for help, and needing someone so desperately. I don't want to work tomorrow night. I don't even think I can work tomorrow during the day. But, unlike the job tomorrow night, I don't really have to ask....I have probably one of the best bosses in the world, who will let me take the time off I need. and some of the important things I should do for that job, I can do at home. But the other one requires a live body, it doesn't matter if it's not me...

and as I am waiting, I wonder why not the immediate "yes, I will work for you, and trade with you on another night's work". When someone asks me, I usually say yes, or on the rare chance no...I don't make someone wait for hours until I make my decision. why am i having to wait? do they understand that I would do this for them? and have?

that's another part that is frustrating to me....I am flaky in a lot of things, but I will work for a person without question if I know how badly they need it...I am not flippantly asking here...I have a real need. can't they just say yes, and not keep me hanging...or, even say no, but do it sooner than later...

i am ranting, and this is definitely a "wild hair" blog...but, I just don't understand.

what this does, what is really going on here...my fear is coming to fruition. I fear that when I really need someone, they will not be there. and that's why the waiting is affecting me so much more than it should...

silliness, I know.