roots and berries

did you know that rasberries aren't really berries? they are "aggregate fruits"...because they actually are a cluster of fruits...you know what could be considered a berry by definition? bananas, yep, and tomatoes, too...

that confuses me...

much like my feelings here lately...they confuse me, almost betray me. you see I am a person who likes to deal with something and then move on...well, at least that is the idea I have of how it is supposed to work...one of my "strengths" is restorative...I like things to be as they were, or better.

i want to be as i once was...or better yet, more than i once was...more mature, more responsible, stronger.

this week i had emotions that i tried to prepare for. you see, i am a woman. i expect to have crazy, irrational thoughts at least on certain days of the year. i have even allowed myself to have a "cry" day...at least that's what i call it. on that day, i could be like Hurley on Lost and win the lottery, yet i feel like someone just shot my dog...it's just not rational, it just doesn't make sense...

hormones.

and this week, i was not prepared for the emotions that came like a torrential downpour. unrelenting.

i tell myself i want to get to the root of the problem, but there is a part of me that knows to get to the root, i must deal with my divorce...the divorce that was finalized on tuesday...the divorce that i filed for...the divorce that is considered sin among some religious circles...i want to be "restored" from it. now. not tomorrow. not next year....NOW.

but, i am smart enough to know that healing doesn't happen overnight. it's a slow process.

i am ready for it to begin...to quote a line from a recently viewed episode of Grey's Anatomy..."I am letting go. I need to let go." I want to continue to shed and let go and peel the pieces of me that no longer belong, they weigh me down--whatever it takes.