ache

...I have not written in a long time. I don't really know what to say anymore...I wrote this awhile ago, and didn't even know if I should publish it. I'm pu.blishing it now so I have it. It's still a tip of the iceburg of what I was feeling at the time...and even now.

I have not written in such a shile, and honestly, I am not sure if I can even write what I am feeling now. Currently, I am lying on my bed trying to recover from the sinus infection that is kicking me to the curb. I did not go to work today. I have some sick days left, so I am taking advantage of it.

I am not surprised at all that I am sick. I have been grieving over the loss of my mother just one day less than a month ago. I don't really know how to grieve over something I wasn't even expecting.

I feel like I just want to hide. from every responsibility I have. I am grateful that I do not have children, as that would prove difficult in trying to take care of them, when I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself.

f-e-a-r grips me and its clutch is choking my dreams. I have been thinking of pursuing work closer to what I want to do for a living. However, a degree is expected, and I am not courageous enough. I want to hide in my work, not really exist. I am afraid to keep moving in school. I don't have a strong grasp on what it is specifically I want to do. And with the economy like it is, I am not sure I will even be able to find work.

I am scared to keep moving. I just want to stand still.