family, fairytales, and fear

I have found it so very difficult to write anything as of late. I wrote a "draft", but decided not to publish it. It has been slightly over a month since my mother's funeral. Her passing was so sudden I did not even get to say good-bye. I must admit that I have not been quite sure on how to grieve...mourn...whatever the word is in which one tries to move on. For a time, my heart ached so severely, I thought surely I was having anxiety attacks.

I simply did not want to move on...I wanted to go back in time. I wanted her back. I wanted a different reality, perhaps even a fairytale. I believe that I was even beginning to shut down. I since willed myself to move on. My heart aches still, but less so.

Something that she said to me has been reverberating in my mind lately. She spoke of how I am always searching...And for the longest time, I resented what she was telling me. However, tonight, upon watching the movie Finding Neverland, I experienced a glimpse of what she was saying.

I am afraid of not being enough, not doing enough, not knowing enough, I am generally just afraid to experience so much of life. And, that fear haunts me. I try to figure it out, decipher parts of myself, self-diagnose,etc....you get the picture. Yet, in my efforts at trying so hard to fix what's "wrong" with me, I fail to find the things that are "right". I long to be content in my own skin...and hopefully that day will come before I am ninety!