sundays

Because I live in the South, it's pretty common for individuals to go to church on Sundays. I realize that I feel a void when I have a chance to go, but don't. I enjoy going, as awkward as it is going by myself, with no one to join me. I have been going to the same place off and on for just over a year now. Every Sunday I am surprised by the place. You see, it's in the middle of an affluent community...and very...um...how shall I say...er...white...yep. It's not quite the same as the place I've formally joined. It's almost boring in comparison as far as the services go. And you'd think that in going this whole time, I would have figured out if it's truly my fit or not. It's like I just cannot commit to the idea of "membership"... I have been a member of a place of worship before, so what's the big deal? What's my hangup?

If I could pinpoint one thing, I would call it fear...there's this fear of commitment...what happens when I commit to this body, and something happens that cannot be restored? I have been rocked to the core by incidences in the past involving people I love and cherish, people who found themselves on opposite sides, not able to reconcile. I am afraid that I will fail this place. I will not be able to give, to serve...You see, serving is my love language....or at least my top 3. I sometimes feel as though I live to serve...

The church I attend now started this prayer list for congregants to sign up a half hour slot to pray for the leaders of the church. I signed up for it...a time perfectly coinciding with my work schedule. Did I remember to pray? ummm...no, not so much. now, I know, don't condemn myself for one little mishap. But, then I think of what I can actually give, and what I've given(or haven't given) to this body, and it is not much. I've been around long enough to know that the church is not just there to serve me; I am here to ask the question of what can I do for this body, with this body, etc.

I do believe in community, in relationships, in living it out day by day with others who share the same faith. I know it can, has been, and will be messy. I am afraid of the mess...the kind of mess that's created from a fallen egg out of the carton. One cannot make a broken egg whole again.

So, as I think of my friend's very important day tomorrow, I am worried about my lack of decision. While I don't think that I will just never do it...I wonder how long I will take before I commit.