in love

i was in love once. i was in love with someone i later decided to marry. at least i believed i was in love. and as of tuesday morning, i am no longer married to this person. i am no longer 'in love' with this person, either. the truth is, i actually don't really think of him much at all.

now, i am in love with the feeling of being in love. i love it.

here's to being in love...with life...

happy birthday mom!

just wanted to send you a thank you for who you are...

sometimes I don't appreciate all that you've been in my life. and let's face it, there were times when you weren't there at all...

but you made a decision to have another child when you could have just "roevwade"'d me.

and you are here for me now when I am going through the most difficult decision of my life thus far.

you are a woman full of mystery, and who knows what it means to sacrifice. you have experienced heartache, and have climbed mountains some never even try.

i love you.

I'm there for you

when i say those words to someone, do I really mean it? i have experienced it...people being there for me when it really mattered. one of my favorite scenes of the movie "i am sam" is when michelle pfeiffer's(sp?) character tells someone that she's "here, i'm right here" when in actuality, she's somewhere else...she's not really there, present, willing...

when god says...I am with you always...i don't have a real grasp, understanding, assurance...it's hard to just have "faith" that is the case...sometimes i have the faith...but sometimes i doubt.

and then i think that is when he shows up through people...i have a friend who offered me her job position. she is moving on to something else closer to home. and she called me. this friend who was in my wedding, who was there for me when i had my first car wreck, who was there for me when i told her i was going to some 'cult sounding commune' in adams, tn called youth with a mission.

even though i told her one time that i liked her crush(we were sixteen), even though i said mean things to her, even though i decided i was too good to be a part of her wedding....i say these things not to demean myself, but to contrast. i know that some of them were out of immaturity, and a part of growing up. i have reconciled these things in my heart, and with her.

this friend called me offering me to come in for an interview...the manager was ready to talk with me...if hired i'd be taking her commission checks that she had earned, but wouldn't reap.

she's there for me. and she'd be there more if i wanted her to.

that i can grasp.

she's here.

for me.

now.

father, daddy, papa

so many names for one individual who is shrouded in mystery. not abba, father of jesus…my very own flesh & blood, biological one…I lost contact with him so long ago. at an early age, one where you say yes ma’am and no sir and just do as your told…that sort of age, before the rebellion kicks in. i had so many questions back then, questions that I’d still like answered. so the wondering i am doing now is the question of is it even worth going down the rabbit hole…maybe i am too old to go chasing….it is amazing to me how me, i myself can be so complicated. i just spent an entire day watching season 3 of LOST, and doing absolutely nothing. but, yet, checking my email, linking to 43things.com and it brings me to a world of finding answers, and a dream i so desperately want—reuniting with my father…that’s on my list…my little “life list” if you will…some things on this list are quite silly, and some cut through the surface layers of who i am…deep. i am wondering if our physical body mimics our soul/spirit, whatever one calls the other complex part of us…the one that cannot be seen with the eyes…our skin has layers upon layers…and so does the will, heart, and emotion of a man…”a man’s heart is like deep waters”...isn’t that how the proverb begins…

do I want to go into the water, or am i afraid of drowning. you see, i never learned how to swim…

See more progress on: Reunite with my Father

asking for it...

last week at work I asked someone to "get under my skin", "get on my nerves", whatever idiom you might want to use...basically just be plain mean and just say mean things...

the plan/experiment was to see how much I could take...

okay, last night was the limit. I don't have an exoskeleton for verbal jabbing....also, I am not creative enough to fight back...

now, i am soaking up the words. like a permeation.

digesting them.

believing them.

and today, my heart feels like the weather, cold and dark.

i allow words to have too much power in my life.

at least the wrong ones.

i need new ones.

now.

words like these: redemption-- hope-- gratefulness-- beauty

one plus one is two?

yesterday I made a mathematical error... I divided a number from another number. the wrong number. simple mathematical error. one that my boss was depending on. that "number" went into board room meetings, carrying with it hope, and expectation.

once the error was found, hope was deferred...and made my heart sink, at least, if not everyone else's...

so, I was given the opportunity to correct the number, correct the mistake, and still am working on correcting my mindset regarding the situation.

i know it is not the end of the world. i like to think that i am dependable and reliable. once i realized the weight of my error, i began to question my ability in myself, in my ability to do my job, and do it well...

i was late for work today. i wanted to disappear from my problems. i wanted to be far away from any responsibility, anything that resembles reality. this kind of thing helps me understand why people mask their pain with alcohol or drugs. i get it.

so here i am at work facing the reality that i am mediocre at my job at best, and that i will never have what it takes to be a ceo or executive....did i mention that this mathematical error falls on the heels of another event last week, last friday to be exact? i was caught sleeping on the job by said boss, in which there's an incriminating video floating around...

yeah...definitely not a record month for me so far...

going back to school

okay, so I am finally making a decision….little miss indecisive me! I am going back to school…I haven’t processed all of the details, but I am definitely going back. I am going to major in sociology…or something in social sciences. I think it suits me, being how nosy I am and all…

So, there we go! I said it! That is the first step right?

I have done nothing but think of this the entire day…hmmm…

See more progress on: go back to school

You read what?

I read this tonight.

I actually enjoy reading this magazine in my spare time. And because I have been in a sleep daze for the past day and 1/2...I bought January's issue going home after work. I tell myself to wait to read it at the library, cuz it's free! But, do I ever actually get around to reading it? no...

So, because the front cover mentioned "hidden causes of fatigue" I thought I might find why I have been exhausted lately, needing sleep like oxygen...

What I found instead was hopefully a little bit of character coming off the pages, speaking to my heart, making me want to exhibit that same sort of character...

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Oprah interview Denzel, and him explaining what passage of John he's reading now...This guy's love is his family...I've always admired him, and loved his movies, or whatever...but to hear him talk about his children and his beliefs made me appreciate him for the kind of life he lives day-to-day, off screen.

And then, after I'd read, sometimes skimmed the pages, on the last page, I find Oprah Winfrey opening up about her "South Africa Heartache".

I was moved to tears reading about a demise of character in her school. What struck me was not just the tragedy of what had happened...the abuse of the girls. What struck me was her action, her determination, her candor.

I saw myself in this situation, and sadly my first reaction would be thinking that I had failed...failed the girls....failed at something else.

And then, I thanked her for sharing a lesson that I am not sure she initially intended. I thanked her for sharing her decisions...She didn't stop to think of the failure, as much as she grieved the situation...She concentrated on "what do do next".

I sometimes pride myself on my "survival" mode of thinking. However, I think that far too often, I stop myself from doing the next thing, and freeze in my "failure thinking". This sounds a bit "new age" I know...

But, if that's the circle I have to pop into temporarily, then so be it!

I want to make it a goal of this coming year -- 2008 -- to think "what to do next".

I don't want this to be some sort of motivational mumbo jumbo...

I want this to be concrete in my life...the "re-framing" how I see things...not seeing events as failure that freezes me into inaction. But, a way of seeing those events so that it propels me to action, propels me to ask the right questions, propels me to see things in the correct light.

I guess this is my first "new year's resolution"?

going shopping

I am looking for a particular color....

several layers please...

is it on sale? I am a bargain hunter!~

What am I looking for?

--thicker skin please--

welcome to the club

i am about to be a divorcee(where's the line over the e on the keypad? I never know). I think this is the first time I've blogged about this topic. why? perhaps out of fear, perhaps I avoid topics that make me uncomfortable...like bathroom humor...gross...

Today, I discussed my impending situation with someone who is new on this....journey? journey of divorce. I was able to "guide" them in the ways of filing...and in the ways of emotion. I have experienced every emotion possible. I still am. emotional.

This is so difficult for me to write about. I am fine in having conversations...hell, what am I saying. I don't even really enjoy discussing the process....I know it is sometimes necessary. I only feel completely comfortable with discussing it with people who have or who are going through it.

Being empathetic, maybe I find it easy to "feel" what they are going through. I think the deeper truth is that I want someone to empathize with what I am feeling...it's hard to understand something you've never experienced.

I love people, but sometimes I fear becoming a loner. I need people in my life. I know this, and even want this....sometimes, it's just easier to be alone.

I am switching locations at the office job. I am moving from the "mail room" which is assumed to be a lame place to be, to a corner cubicle with windows letting in the sunshine...

One would assume that I would absolutely LOVE this new location, but I honestly am a little apprehensive, as I wonder if this will turn me into the person who just "hides" in her cubie...?

hmmm...I do have some wonderful co-workers who probably won't allow that to happen!

www.thistlefarms.org

I experienced a "home party" Thursday night from these ladies from Magdalene. It was a beautiful story of redemption, and second chances.

These women come in off the street, and sometimes this place of recovery is often their last hope. They are able to stay in this home for two years rent free, essentially free from all the responsibilities of the world. They are then given love which they've never fully had. They are given a chance to start their life all over again...

I want to share with everyone I know about this place. The women learn life skills, like making bath & body products, and selling them. They learn how to work with one another on a daily business. Their products can be ordered online, or in certain stores across the U.S.

Something clicked for me that night. I want to be able to work/volunteer in an environment where people are given second chances everyday. It's messy. It's unpredictable. But perfection and predictability have never been the flow of my life...

I immediately wanted to volunteer here...then almost as immediate came the thought of "yeah, but are you gonna flake out of that?" This is how I think, and sadly how I can be. I am not "super hard on myself"...just doing a reality check...

I signed up for the volunteer newsletter...we'll see...

But, I really hope that anyone who reads this will seriously check this place out...
Becca Stevens, the Episcopal priest who started this non-profit has her own story of redemption, and has definitely started something beautiful.

mind games

my mind is playing tricks on me...it's unsettled, and churning. it is playing tricks on my emotions. i can't figure out how to make it stop. it is doing that thing that it does to me when i am directionless, clueless...

i need vision. i need clarity. i need truth.

i watched the barbara walters interview in which she named j.k. rowling as the most fascinating person of the year. j.k. was going about her life, but had a one track mind of writing...it didn't matter what else was going on in her life. school, marriage, baby, divorce...she wanted to write. and on a train ride, harry potter came to life and j.k. became a published author.

i want to have a one track mind. maybe i need to go on a nice train ride.

I thought bars were where you got picked up-all sleazy like

I have this friend who went Chick-Fil-A and was waiting on a drink refill. As they were waiting, they were discussing how cold it was and how crazy it was for people to still dress so lightly, to the point of still wearing skirts.

At which a middle-aged man, suited and professional kemptness, decided it was time to pipe in and ask these ladies where they worked....pardoning himself by saying he couldn't help but overhear the conversation, about wearing short skirts..

"where do you ladies work in these short skirts?"

no joke, that's the honest truth..somebody really asked that in the middle of a family fast food establishment...

This is why no one asks me these questions, on account of my foot in mouth disease, cuz I straight would have said a few inappropriate things...like "well, on Sundays, I am at Hooters, and then on Monday-Friday, you can catch me at that DeJa Vu place...yeah, I'm sure you know the one...I bet you visit it all the time... Funny you've never seen me there...well I'll be....maybe next time."

yep, it's late, and I need to go to bed......I am shameless, absolutely shameless!

one day

I will see the fruit of my labor....I am not sure how hard at both jobs that I really work...Usually it feels like when I put in a "kick ass" day at one, I slug it out at the other...I never quite feel a 100% at both...I love both jobs. I love people, let's be honest. The only time I don't like people is when one person tries to diminish another person(co-worker) to another person, probably in management level....

I guess I have "ratted" on a few souls in my life as well just to try to make myself seem better, or for the darts to be thrown in someone else's direction....

Sometimes it just seems so petty...

One day, I will not be working 2 jobs. One day, I will be doing a fantabulous job at one corporation, doin' my people skills thing(hopefully travelling)...and making college degree money....and hopefully by that time I will have actually went back to school and got that so-called degree.

One day, I will be able to fantasize about vacations to exotic places....like the coast of Florida! (smile)

don't mistake this as complaining...it's actually visioneering...I know full well what brought me to the 2 job dilemma, to the point I never hope to repeat it. I am no stranger to hard work, I have not been brought up to be lazy. And most days it's not bad at all...

i just look forward to the day when I can breathe a little.

selah.

'roids rage?

so, just in case i ever get a drug test, i will have to explain the traces of steroids in my system..I went to the doctor (med clinic actually) and got a steroid shot...y'know in the buttocks as Forrest Gump would say...

it's my second one this year...I think that this med clinic gives them like candy...although, I must admit, it made me feel much better later on...

no wonder these athletes take'em...there is a sort of feeling of almost unlimited powerfulness...in case you're wondering, I didn't get all angry though...:0)

anyway, all in all, it was a good thing I went. I needed the meds....

sleep, here I come!

breakdown

i am sick...

the kind of sick that keeps me under the covers sleeping in...reading novels....dreaming some crazy dream, and then waking up realizing i just broke a fever....

it could be worse....I could have the flu...I think what I have is just some cold from the deep dark pits of hell...okay maybe not that bad...

I slept till 12pm today, and then until 2pm....finally began stirring around 5pm or 6pm...waiting to see if someone will graciously trade shifts with me tomorrow night...

this makes me think all sorts of things...it opens the wound of me asking for help, and needing someone so desperately. I don't want to work tomorrow night. I don't even think I can work tomorrow during the day. But, unlike the job tomorrow night, I don't really have to ask....I have probably one of the best bosses in the world, who will let me take the time off I need. and some of the important things I should do for that job, I can do at home. But the other one requires a live body, it doesn't matter if it's not me...

and as I am waiting, I wonder why not the immediate "yes, I will work for you, and trade with you on another night's work". When someone asks me, I usually say yes, or on the rare chance no...I don't make someone wait for hours until I make my decision. why am i having to wait? do they understand that I would do this for them? and have?

that's another part that is frustrating to me....I am flaky in a lot of things, but I will work for a person without question if I know how badly they need it...I am not flippantly asking here...I have a real need. can't they just say yes, and not keep me hanging...or, even say no, but do it sooner than later...

i am ranting, and this is definitely a "wild hair" blog...but, I just don't understand.

what this does, what is really going on here...my fear is coming to fruition. I fear that when I really need someone, they will not be there. and that's why the waiting is affecting me so much more than it should...

silliness, I know.

just in case I ever forget...

remind me that life is meant to be shared with others.

remind me that my experiences are not just for me alone.

remind me that the beauty I see in nature, someone else needs to witness.

remind me that I am also here to share this truth with others.

remind me, just in case I try to go into the wild.

restoration

At my office, we took a "strengths" test to better understand one another and ourselves in our working, professional environment. One of my five was "Restore". I like that word, rather enjoy it actually. It does fit me. I enjoy putting puzzles together, repairing broken items. As a matter of fact, one of my biggest annoyances is being in a situation in which I can't "troubleshoot" my way out of, one in which I cannot fix.

In fact, some of my most painful memories are ones in which I watched things crumble before me as I watched helplessly. I firmly believe in restoration, reconciliation, putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. (Am I the only one who hated the part of the story in which he fell, irrevocably broken forever?)

I am also blessed to have examples of that kind of restoration taking place. For example, my relationship with my own mother. While not perfect, we have an amicable relationship. One would not look at us, and have any sort of idea that there previously existed a chasm between us. I grant this sort of reconciliation to Providence.

But, what happens when things don't get put back together again?

I am getting used to the idea that not all things get restored. it's just not that simple.

but, there is beauty in hope, hope that something can be restored, even if it's not the exact way I had originally pictured.

--may I have the eyes to imagine a new picture--

what a mother might do for a child

I just finished reading a book by Jodi Picoult titled, The Pact. Essentially it is a love story. a love story between a boy and girl. a love story between friends. a love story between a parent and his/her child.

I have thought these last few months how easy it is for parents to stand by their child, even during the most difficult of circumstances. I understand that there are bonds there, that no one can break. I also sometimes wonder about the length a parent may go in protecting one's child.

Would I lie for my child if I thought it would ultimately save him/her in the end. Would I lie to my child to prevent them from experiencing pain?

In no way, am I a mother. But, I think I have an understanding of the role a mother has, a very limited one, albeit. I can understand how a mother can stand by her son, believing him, trusting him, standing by him. And since it's something I can at least fathom, I should not be shocked when a mother will stand by her side even if there's evidence promoting an entirely different truth than the one he may reveal to her.

He is flesh of her flesh, bone of her bone.

(side note: how comforting it must have been for Jesus, even while under excruciating pain, to see his mom there, defending her son, believing in her son, trusting her son, until the very end.)

a mighty heart

i just finished watching a movie regarding the kidnapping of Daniel Pearl, and his wife's quest to find him...I remember reading about an interview with Angelina Jolie during the filming of the movie. I was instinctively glad she was doing a movie like this. I was glad the movie was being made.

After watching this difficult portrayal, I am still glad the story was told. It is definitely not a touchy, feel good kind of movie. It doesn't have that sort of fairy tale ending.

It should be watched. It should be discussed. It should spark something in all of us. It made me realize, if I haven't before, that there are two kinds of reporting...There's the sort of reporting that one does in discussing what a celebrity had for breakfast. Then there's another sort of reporting. It's the kind a person may risk one's life for...the kind that ends up on the news trying to explain what a terrorist's motive(s) could have been on 9/11....

I understand that journalism can have it's own slant, and that there's not really any unbiased news anymore. Everyone wants their viewpoint represented. I am just grateful that there are people out there who still choose to do the kind of reporting that matters. For it is far more lucrative to report sensationalism.