sometimes I get it right...

At work lately, I have not been doing so well...missing deadlines, poor customer service, and just bad miscalculations...

Well, today, I am giving myself a pat on the back.

I remembered something that needed renewal for our company to keep up and running.

Last year at this time, the renewal expired with no one knowing. This in turn caused our site to be completely down.

This year, because of better communication we discussed the expiration coming up soon...And today, I followed up on what to do about the renewal....All it will take is a simple email requesting approval, and we're good to go.

So, yeah, sometimes I get it right, and actually deliver results, good "pat on the back" results.

a good day

today was a good day.

One of my issues -- there are so many -- came to the surface last night after a friend's text message. texting. it's so easy to just write a simple few lines. but, the problem is the lack of real communication. that is when you have to actually talk. and that's what I did today.

We were simply texting back and forth, and this person made a joke, that just simply went too far, well, too far for me. I overreacted, and simply had a moment. I slept on it, and then was able to deal with it today. Thinking about the best way to let someone know that they hurt my feelings, and then actually telling them...that's progress for me. Usually, I just mope, and react, and then just go inward. I usually somehow turn it around, and simply wonder what it was that I did. Not this time. I knew that my initial reaction was one of self-defense. But, I was able to move past that, and think about what I could do to move past the moment.

And, the person who "hurt my feelings" apologized, and then we were able to talk it out. Now, I know for some that this is just simple and common-sense type of stuff. I am not one of those people who can just simply communicate my feelings, opinions, etc. I have a "people pleasing filter" and co-dependant slant.

O, here's to progress...

oh, and did I mention that I also finished watching the last two episodes of LOST? Is anybody else as confused as I am?

c-r-a-z-y.

oh, and did I mention that I had a good day? I hope I am able to have more really soon.

reality vs. illusion

This weekend, my roommate's family was in town to celebrate her sister's graduation. By family I mean, parents, grandparents, and siblings. Did I mention that they were all in the house at one time? I was drugged up the entire weekend. I don't mean "smack" or "mary jane" or any other slang for illegal substances. I mean the intoxication of family. For me, getting to eavesdrop on another family makes me high....in a "manic" sort of way, with no lithium to sort it out.

Saturday, however, I broke away from this experience to travel to my own hometown to visit my mom and my grandparents. Sometimes, when I come home I feel like a stranger. I truly am a stranger. I don't know them, and they don't really know me. This is the reality. I love them dearly, and am proud to have been born in such a hard-working family. In truth, there's so much about my family I don't know. There's so much that is a mystery. It eludes me how to get that back, how to bridge the distance of not knowing to knowing.

Now, my roomate's family is leaving, and I think my hangover is starting. But, just like a recent Grey's Anatomy episode I watched, I must choose to live in the reality of the situation, and not fantasize about this family, one that I don't even know better than my own.

The reality is that I think the grass is greener. But, I know deep down that it's not.

My family, for all its differences and mishaps and misgivings, is a pretty solid group of people...I have learned great things from them, even if it's been from mistakes. They've stood by me during my crazy "holy-roller" days, and even thus far, with my divorce. They don't give up on me.

I am not giving up the hope of knowing them...my family, that is.

parties

Yesterday I went to my first and last college party. I am not in college(in a normal sort of way, anyway), nor would I ever formally be invited to something like that. we were there dropping off someone who lives there. There was a boy there who I had a crush on, in which the fruition of this has now become a personal mission, not a mission in pursuing him, but a mission to help him in whom he is pursuing! He is crushing on a co-worker of mine, and I hope to make it my personal mission to get them together. it feels good. it feels good to help others in their love life. I do not want a love life of my own right now. That is not a language I currently want to be speaking right now.

Last night, before the random college party visit, I was able to go to this chic's cd release party. I had such a fun time hanging out with friends. I sometimes found it hard to sit still because I enjoy dancing in my seat so much. I pretty much enjoy dancing any chance I get. I have that annoying habit of dancing around whenever I might here music...in the grocery store, in line at the post office. My mom, would always nudge me and tell me to stand still. Five minutes later, I'd be at it again. I guess some things never change...

feels like home

right now I am currently typing in my room while my roomates are asleep upstairs. can I tell you that I've never had roomates? when I was in YWAM, I shared a room with others, but that felt more like a dorm...not necessarily a roomate situation.

i've been thinking lately about the course of my life over the last year. it has been just over a year since my ex-husband stopped working. I think this time last year was when I started to break down. it was about july last year when I started wondering where we were going to live. I was panicking that the two options would be to be homeless, or move back to his parents small living quarters. he did have to move back home, but I think this option was good for him as he will have loved ones who can love him unconditionally, and take care of him

i feel like I am finally at peace about where I am living. I rent, and don't own a home of my own. But the house I rent is beautiful, and I love the people that I share this home with. It is warm, inviting, and safe and quiet.

for someone that prides herself on such little belongings, I recently bought a bed and sheets, pillows, and the like. Some would say, well of course you need to spend money on that. But this cheap gal agonized over every buying decision. But after all the agonizing is over, I have a great little piece of furniture to sleep peacefully at night.

it does feel like home.

back and forth

Today I keep going back and forth between two extremes--hope and apathy.

Today I am sorrowful for a friend of mine who is having to say goodbye to a faithful pet, and having to say goodbye to an unfaithful love.

Today I am overjoyed for friend of mine who is having a whirlwind of a romance, possibly debating if this person is ‘the one’.

Today I am admiring another friend of mine who is having to make a bold move and walk away from a relationship prospect, a promising one at that.

And as I remember my own experiences with love lost this past year or so, I still find myself hopeful. How can that be, I ask. And then, I crush the hopefulness in my hand, and reach out for the cynicism that proves to be a welcome guest in my home these days. I cannot trust hope. I cannot trust myself with hope.

There is this guy who plays songs on a keyboard making a statement of risking a chance at something, a love so thick, so real, so passionate you can taste it. At this point in my life, the risk is not worth it.

There are people all over the globe who are making the choice-saying yes, walking away, and deciding if the risk is worth taking.

I am not sure if the risk will ever again be worth taking for me. To let someone in so close that you can literally taste the experience is too dangerous.

I think I will continue to push down the hope so far down that it is unrecognizable to me. I am sure some psychologist somewhere would call this self-preservation. I cannot disagree. This is all a part of my survival. I am good at surviving.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I still know how to be hopeful for those around me, and will continue to do so,.

This is safe for me. This is real. This is what I can take. This is somethin’.

just wanted to say...

that I think this chic is amazing. thanks brooke for sharing at a crowded coffeehouse with a captive audience. beautiful.

not very pretty...but I get by

someone thinks I should blog a bit more...well, here goes.

let's see what comes out of this brain at one in the morn'. I was thinking so much today about being pretty, being beautiful, and yes, even sexy...quite frankly i think those three adjectives are not quite as similar as one might find them to be in a thesaurus.

my state of mind has contained each three at various times. and even all three were today.

when going out to lunch with my office mates, I thought I was pretty...not beautiful, but pretty. pretty and confident in a dorky sort of way. I am never confident in that businessy ceo chic way. I am simply me....funny, silly, quirky...oh, so quirky oh, and don't forget absent-minded...and all the while feeling pretty while chatting it up about boys and the like...not feeling pretty cuz we're talking about boys, but because we feel pretty, we talk about boys(and other things, too!)

then there's beautiful....listening to people play music, sing their songs, and getting caught up in the moment, in the joy of their moment. that makes me feel beautiful. like listening to them makes me beautiful; strange concept I know.

side note: tonight, while watching american idol, natasha bedingfield was singing. she is beautiful.

lastly, feeling sexy was a very minute part of my day, but definitely happened to occur. compliments from an entire table of people definitely can give a gal a boost. red lipstick doesn't hurt either;)


in reflecting my mood regarding my own appeal...I realize that I feel based on my experiences around me....

I think that I want to really feel beautiful all the time. that's my niche. not because I think I am, but because I feel that way not based on my looks, but my connection and appreciation with my surroundings. it is the state of mind I like best.


maybe the next time someone tries to tell me I am attractive, I will listen. we'll see...

ache

...I have not written in a long time. I don't really know what to say anymore...I wrote this awhile ago, and didn't even know if I should publish it. I'm pu.blishing it now so I have it. It's still a tip of the iceburg of what I was feeling at the time...and even now.

I have not written in such a shile, and honestly, I am not sure if I can even write what I am feeling now. Currently, I am lying on my bed trying to recover from the sinus infection that is kicking me to the curb. I did not go to work today. I have some sick days left, so I am taking advantage of it.

I am not surprised at all that I am sick. I have been grieving over the loss of my mother just one day less than a month ago. I don't really know how to grieve over something I wasn't even expecting.

I feel like I just want to hide. from every responsibility I have. I am grateful that I do not have children, as that would prove difficult in trying to take care of them, when I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself.

f-e-a-r grips me and its clutch is choking my dreams. I have been thinking of pursuing work closer to what I want to do for a living. However, a degree is expected, and I am not courageous enough. I want to hide in my work, not really exist. I am afraid to keep moving in school. I don't have a strong grasp on what it is specifically I want to do. And with the economy like it is, I am not sure I will even be able to find work.

I am scared to keep moving. I just want to stand still.

my very own

I am currently watching a movie about growing up in a small town. It happens to be a small town near where I grew up.

The characters want so desperately to get out of the "one horse town" that they are from. It's quite a bit corny, but it parallels to dreams that my friends and I shared in high school.

Having a life, a life of one's own...that can have meaning and purpose, it seems like that is all I could hink about at eighteen. And to have meaning and purpose, getting out of a small town was imperative.

My immediate family always asks why don't I move back to the town where I was raised. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that....I don't want to.

Two things that I wonder while I am watching this movie. When a person lives and dies in the same town, does that person have automatic access to community? Community seems to be new word to celebrate. People move to parts of the city to create a community, to build community.

So, to have a life of one's own usually means leaving the place one was born. Doesn't that make it hard to connect with others, and live in community?

just wondering....

words

okay, so yesterday I was having a conversation about how important words are to me...and someone commented that they could see that from my writing on this blog...really?

I guess I just don't think about it that way.

Yesterday was my friend's birthday, and we celebrated the evening by starting the evening eating dinner at a local restaurant downtown. It was just outside, so one could feel a steady breeze from the wind. And the temperature seemed to me to be absolutely perfect.

I wanted to savor the entire night. Good conversations, good food, and good wine. This sums up a perfect evening for me.

It really doesn't take much to make me smile...

And here's a list of other noteworthy things of beauty....

The apple red tulips that are blooming outside our office.

The green grass that is soaked by the recent rain.

My new phone...yes, it is a beautiful thing to me! :)

The place where I currently live, warm and inviting.

Living in a country in which I can have the freedom to do so many things on a daily basis.
--one of those being worship the way I choose without the fear of imprisonment, or death.

mind over matter

sometimes my body gives out on me...at the worst time...why can't I just trick my body into behaving the way I want it to?

chicken

yesterday marked the anniversary of me meeting my dad for the first and last time. one and only one time. why am i still chasing after that meeting, so desperately wanting to know as an adult if i was really wanted or if i was simply a bother that day…
i spoke with my mom yesterday but i was too fearful to bring up the conversation, difficult and painful…so i did what any cowardiced individual might do…i chickened out…
friday i meet up with her and she will be taking me out to lunch. maybe then i can bring it up. we’re both adults right, i can have an calm, stable conversation with my mother right?
we’ll see….

See more progress on: Reunite with my Father

wanted

Today I want so many things....

I want to be over this divorce...

I want to have finished my taxes...

I want to have traded in my car already, the one I have to make payments on, the one that is guzzling gas, the one that has scratches on it which decreases its value. I want to trade it in for a junker, hopefully that will go a hundred thousand miles.

I want so many things on this day.

acceptance

This weekend I received an acceptance of application in the mail from Columbia State.

So, I am accepted. Now it is up to me to do the work. I have only one class to finish to be able to receive just an Associate’s Degree.

How simple it sounds, and yet it has taken so much for me to get to this point.

Life is not simple. This simple task is not simple in my world. But, hopefully I can continue on…not quitting, not giving up.

We’ll see….

See more progress on: go back to school

roots and berries

did you know that rasberries aren't really berries? they are "aggregate fruits"...because they actually are a cluster of fruits...you know what could be considered a berry by definition? bananas, yep, and tomatoes, too...

that confuses me...

much like my feelings here lately...they confuse me, almost betray me. you see I am a person who likes to deal with something and then move on...well, at least that is the idea I have of how it is supposed to work...one of my "strengths" is restorative...I like things to be as they were, or better.

i want to be as i once was...or better yet, more than i once was...more mature, more responsible, stronger.

this week i had emotions that i tried to prepare for. you see, i am a woman. i expect to have crazy, irrational thoughts at least on certain days of the year. i have even allowed myself to have a "cry" day...at least that's what i call it. on that day, i could be like Hurley on Lost and win the lottery, yet i feel like someone just shot my dog...it's just not rational, it just doesn't make sense...

hormones.

and this week, i was not prepared for the emotions that came like a torrential downpour. unrelenting.

i tell myself i want to get to the root of the problem, but there is a part of me that knows to get to the root, i must deal with my divorce...the divorce that was finalized on tuesday...the divorce that i filed for...the divorce that is considered sin among some religious circles...i want to be "restored" from it. now. not tomorrow. not next year....NOW.

but, i am smart enough to know that healing doesn't happen overnight. it's a slow process.

i am ready for it to begin...to quote a line from a recently viewed episode of Grey's Anatomy..."I am letting go. I need to let go." I want to continue to shed and let go and peel the pieces of me that no longer belong, they weigh me down--whatever it takes.

in love

i was in love once. i was in love with someone i later decided to marry. at least i believed i was in love. and as of tuesday morning, i am no longer married to this person. i am no longer 'in love' with this person, either. the truth is, i actually don't really think of him much at all.

now, i am in love with the feeling of being in love. i love it.

here's to being in love...with life...

happy birthday mom!

just wanted to send you a thank you for who you are...

sometimes I don't appreciate all that you've been in my life. and let's face it, there were times when you weren't there at all...

but you made a decision to have another child when you could have just "roevwade"'d me.

and you are here for me now when I am going through the most difficult decision of my life thus far.

you are a woman full of mystery, and who knows what it means to sacrifice. you have experienced heartache, and have climbed mountains some never even try.

i love you.

I'm there for you

when i say those words to someone, do I really mean it? i have experienced it...people being there for me when it really mattered. one of my favorite scenes of the movie "i am sam" is when michelle pfeiffer's(sp?) character tells someone that she's "here, i'm right here" when in actuality, she's somewhere else...she's not really there, present, willing...

when god says...I am with you always...i don't have a real grasp, understanding, assurance...it's hard to just have "faith" that is the case...sometimes i have the faith...but sometimes i doubt.

and then i think that is when he shows up through people...i have a friend who offered me her job position. she is moving on to something else closer to home. and she called me. this friend who was in my wedding, who was there for me when i had my first car wreck, who was there for me when i told her i was going to some 'cult sounding commune' in adams, tn called youth with a mission.

even though i told her one time that i liked her crush(we were sixteen), even though i said mean things to her, even though i decided i was too good to be a part of her wedding....i say these things not to demean myself, but to contrast. i know that some of them were out of immaturity, and a part of growing up. i have reconciled these things in my heart, and with her.

this friend called me offering me to come in for an interview...the manager was ready to talk with me...if hired i'd be taking her commission checks that she had earned, but wouldn't reap.

she's there for me. and she'd be there more if i wanted her to.

that i can grasp.

she's here.

for me.

now.

father, daddy, papa

so many names for one individual who is shrouded in mystery. not abba, father of jesus…my very own flesh & blood, biological one…I lost contact with him so long ago. at an early age, one where you say yes ma’am and no sir and just do as your told…that sort of age, before the rebellion kicks in. i had so many questions back then, questions that I’d still like answered. so the wondering i am doing now is the question of is it even worth going down the rabbit hole…maybe i am too old to go chasing….it is amazing to me how me, i myself can be so complicated. i just spent an entire day watching season 3 of LOST, and doing absolutely nothing. but, yet, checking my email, linking to 43things.com and it brings me to a world of finding answers, and a dream i so desperately want—reuniting with my father…that’s on my list…my little “life list” if you will…some things on this list are quite silly, and some cut through the surface layers of who i am…deep. i am wondering if our physical body mimics our soul/spirit, whatever one calls the other complex part of us…the one that cannot be seen with the eyes…our skin has layers upon layers…and so does the will, heart, and emotion of a man…”a man’s heart is like deep waters”...isn’t that how the proverb begins…

do I want to go into the water, or am i afraid of drowning. you see, i never learned how to swim…

See more progress on: Reunite with my Father