You read what?

I read this tonight.

I actually enjoy reading this magazine in my spare time. And because I have been in a sleep daze for the past day and 1/2...I bought January's issue going home after work. I tell myself to wait to read it at the library, cuz it's free! But, do I ever actually get around to reading it? no...

So, because the front cover mentioned "hidden causes of fatigue" I thought I might find why I have been exhausted lately, needing sleep like oxygen...

What I found instead was hopefully a little bit of character coming off the pages, speaking to my heart, making me want to exhibit that same sort of character...

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Oprah interview Denzel, and him explaining what passage of John he's reading now...This guy's love is his family...I've always admired him, and loved his movies, or whatever...but to hear him talk about his children and his beliefs made me appreciate him for the kind of life he lives day-to-day, off screen.

And then, after I'd read, sometimes skimmed the pages, on the last page, I find Oprah Winfrey opening up about her "South Africa Heartache".

I was moved to tears reading about a demise of character in her school. What struck me was not just the tragedy of what had happened...the abuse of the girls. What struck me was her action, her determination, her candor.

I saw myself in this situation, and sadly my first reaction would be thinking that I had failed...failed the girls....failed at something else.

And then, I thanked her for sharing a lesson that I am not sure she initially intended. I thanked her for sharing her decisions...She didn't stop to think of the failure, as much as she grieved the situation...She concentrated on "what do do next".

I sometimes pride myself on my "survival" mode of thinking. However, I think that far too often, I stop myself from doing the next thing, and freeze in my "failure thinking". This sounds a bit "new age" I know...

But, if that's the circle I have to pop into temporarily, then so be it!

I want to make it a goal of this coming year -- 2008 -- to think "what to do next".

I don't want this to be some sort of motivational mumbo jumbo...

I want this to be concrete in my life...the "re-framing" how I see things...not seeing events as failure that freezes me into inaction. But, a way of seeing those events so that it propels me to action, propels me to ask the right questions, propels me to see things in the correct light.

I guess this is my first "new year's resolution"?

going shopping

I am looking for a particular color....

several layers please...

is it on sale? I am a bargain hunter!~

What am I looking for?

--thicker skin please--

welcome to the club

i am about to be a divorcee(where's the line over the e on the keypad? I never know). I think this is the first time I've blogged about this topic. why? perhaps out of fear, perhaps I avoid topics that make me uncomfortable...like bathroom humor...gross...

Today, I discussed my impending situation with someone who is new on this....journey? journey of divorce. I was able to "guide" them in the ways of filing...and in the ways of emotion. I have experienced every emotion possible. I still am. emotional.

This is so difficult for me to write about. I am fine in having conversations...hell, what am I saying. I don't even really enjoy discussing the process....I know it is sometimes necessary. I only feel completely comfortable with discussing it with people who have or who are going through it.

Being empathetic, maybe I find it easy to "feel" what they are going through. I think the deeper truth is that I want someone to empathize with what I am feeling...it's hard to understand something you've never experienced.

I love people, but sometimes I fear becoming a loner. I need people in my life. I know this, and even want this....sometimes, it's just easier to be alone.

I am switching locations at the office job. I am moving from the "mail room" which is assumed to be a lame place to be, to a corner cubicle with windows letting in the sunshine...

One would assume that I would absolutely LOVE this new location, but I honestly am a little apprehensive, as I wonder if this will turn me into the person who just "hides" in her cubie...?

hmmm...I do have some wonderful co-workers who probably won't allow that to happen!

www.thistlefarms.org

I experienced a "home party" Thursday night from these ladies from Magdalene. It was a beautiful story of redemption, and second chances.

These women come in off the street, and sometimes this place of recovery is often their last hope. They are able to stay in this home for two years rent free, essentially free from all the responsibilities of the world. They are then given love which they've never fully had. They are given a chance to start their life all over again...

I want to share with everyone I know about this place. The women learn life skills, like making bath & body products, and selling them. They learn how to work with one another on a daily business. Their products can be ordered online, or in certain stores across the U.S.

Something clicked for me that night. I want to be able to work/volunteer in an environment where people are given second chances everyday. It's messy. It's unpredictable. But perfection and predictability have never been the flow of my life...

I immediately wanted to volunteer here...then almost as immediate came the thought of "yeah, but are you gonna flake out of that?" This is how I think, and sadly how I can be. I am not "super hard on myself"...just doing a reality check...

I signed up for the volunteer newsletter...we'll see...

But, I really hope that anyone who reads this will seriously check this place out...
Becca Stevens, the Episcopal priest who started this non-profit has her own story of redemption, and has definitely started something beautiful.

mind games

my mind is playing tricks on me...it's unsettled, and churning. it is playing tricks on my emotions. i can't figure out how to make it stop. it is doing that thing that it does to me when i am directionless, clueless...

i need vision. i need clarity. i need truth.

i watched the barbara walters interview in which she named j.k. rowling as the most fascinating person of the year. j.k. was going about her life, but had a one track mind of writing...it didn't matter what else was going on in her life. school, marriage, baby, divorce...she wanted to write. and on a train ride, harry potter came to life and j.k. became a published author.

i want to have a one track mind. maybe i need to go on a nice train ride.

I thought bars were where you got picked up-all sleazy like

I have this friend who went Chick-Fil-A and was waiting on a drink refill. As they were waiting, they were discussing how cold it was and how crazy it was for people to still dress so lightly, to the point of still wearing skirts.

At which a middle-aged man, suited and professional kemptness, decided it was time to pipe in and ask these ladies where they worked....pardoning himself by saying he couldn't help but overhear the conversation, about wearing short skirts..

"where do you ladies work in these short skirts?"

no joke, that's the honest truth..somebody really asked that in the middle of a family fast food establishment...

This is why no one asks me these questions, on account of my foot in mouth disease, cuz I straight would have said a few inappropriate things...like "well, on Sundays, I am at Hooters, and then on Monday-Friday, you can catch me at that DeJa Vu place...yeah, I'm sure you know the one...I bet you visit it all the time... Funny you've never seen me there...well I'll be....maybe next time."

yep, it's late, and I need to go to bed......I am shameless, absolutely shameless!

one day

I will see the fruit of my labor....I am not sure how hard at both jobs that I really work...Usually it feels like when I put in a "kick ass" day at one, I slug it out at the other...I never quite feel a 100% at both...I love both jobs. I love people, let's be honest. The only time I don't like people is when one person tries to diminish another person(co-worker) to another person, probably in management level....

I guess I have "ratted" on a few souls in my life as well just to try to make myself seem better, or for the darts to be thrown in someone else's direction....

Sometimes it just seems so petty...

One day, I will not be working 2 jobs. One day, I will be doing a fantabulous job at one corporation, doin' my people skills thing(hopefully travelling)...and making college degree money....and hopefully by that time I will have actually went back to school and got that so-called degree.

One day, I will be able to fantasize about vacations to exotic places....like the coast of Florida! (smile)

don't mistake this as complaining...it's actually visioneering...I know full well what brought me to the 2 job dilemma, to the point I never hope to repeat it. I am no stranger to hard work, I have not been brought up to be lazy. And most days it's not bad at all...

i just look forward to the day when I can breathe a little.

selah.

'roids rage?

so, just in case i ever get a drug test, i will have to explain the traces of steroids in my system..I went to the doctor (med clinic actually) and got a steroid shot...y'know in the buttocks as Forrest Gump would say...

it's my second one this year...I think that this med clinic gives them like candy...although, I must admit, it made me feel much better later on...

no wonder these athletes take'em...there is a sort of feeling of almost unlimited powerfulness...in case you're wondering, I didn't get all angry though...:0)

anyway, all in all, it was a good thing I went. I needed the meds....

sleep, here I come!

breakdown

i am sick...

the kind of sick that keeps me under the covers sleeping in...reading novels....dreaming some crazy dream, and then waking up realizing i just broke a fever....

it could be worse....I could have the flu...I think what I have is just some cold from the deep dark pits of hell...okay maybe not that bad...

I slept till 12pm today, and then until 2pm....finally began stirring around 5pm or 6pm...waiting to see if someone will graciously trade shifts with me tomorrow night...

this makes me think all sorts of things...it opens the wound of me asking for help, and needing someone so desperately. I don't want to work tomorrow night. I don't even think I can work tomorrow during the day. But, unlike the job tomorrow night, I don't really have to ask....I have probably one of the best bosses in the world, who will let me take the time off I need. and some of the important things I should do for that job, I can do at home. But the other one requires a live body, it doesn't matter if it's not me...

and as I am waiting, I wonder why not the immediate "yes, I will work for you, and trade with you on another night's work". When someone asks me, I usually say yes, or on the rare chance no...I don't make someone wait for hours until I make my decision. why am i having to wait? do they understand that I would do this for them? and have?

that's another part that is frustrating to me....I am flaky in a lot of things, but I will work for a person without question if I know how badly they need it...I am not flippantly asking here...I have a real need. can't they just say yes, and not keep me hanging...or, even say no, but do it sooner than later...

i am ranting, and this is definitely a "wild hair" blog...but, I just don't understand.

what this does, what is really going on here...my fear is coming to fruition. I fear that when I really need someone, they will not be there. and that's why the waiting is affecting me so much more than it should...

silliness, I know.

just in case I ever forget...

remind me that life is meant to be shared with others.

remind me that my experiences are not just for me alone.

remind me that the beauty I see in nature, someone else needs to witness.

remind me that I am also here to share this truth with others.

remind me, just in case I try to go into the wild.

restoration

At my office, we took a "strengths" test to better understand one another and ourselves in our working, professional environment. One of my five was "Restore". I like that word, rather enjoy it actually. It does fit me. I enjoy putting puzzles together, repairing broken items. As a matter of fact, one of my biggest annoyances is being in a situation in which I can't "troubleshoot" my way out of, one in which I cannot fix.

In fact, some of my most painful memories are ones in which I watched things crumble before me as I watched helplessly. I firmly believe in restoration, reconciliation, putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. (Am I the only one who hated the part of the story in which he fell, irrevocably broken forever?)

I am also blessed to have examples of that kind of restoration taking place. For example, my relationship with my own mother. While not perfect, we have an amicable relationship. One would not look at us, and have any sort of idea that there previously existed a chasm between us. I grant this sort of reconciliation to Providence.

But, what happens when things don't get put back together again?

I am getting used to the idea that not all things get restored. it's just not that simple.

but, there is beauty in hope, hope that something can be restored, even if it's not the exact way I had originally pictured.

--may I have the eyes to imagine a new picture--

what a mother might do for a child

I just finished reading a book by Jodi Picoult titled, The Pact. Essentially it is a love story. a love story between a boy and girl. a love story between friends. a love story between a parent and his/her child.

I have thought these last few months how easy it is for parents to stand by their child, even during the most difficult of circumstances. I understand that there are bonds there, that no one can break. I also sometimes wonder about the length a parent may go in protecting one's child.

Would I lie for my child if I thought it would ultimately save him/her in the end. Would I lie to my child to prevent them from experiencing pain?

In no way, am I a mother. But, I think I have an understanding of the role a mother has, a very limited one, albeit. I can understand how a mother can stand by her son, believing him, trusting him, standing by him. And since it's something I can at least fathom, I should not be shocked when a mother will stand by her side even if there's evidence promoting an entirely different truth than the one he may reveal to her.

He is flesh of her flesh, bone of her bone.

(side note: how comforting it must have been for Jesus, even while under excruciating pain, to see his mom there, defending her son, believing in her son, trusting her son, until the very end.)

a mighty heart

i just finished watching a movie regarding the kidnapping of Daniel Pearl, and his wife's quest to find him...I remember reading about an interview with Angelina Jolie during the filming of the movie. I was instinctively glad she was doing a movie like this. I was glad the movie was being made.

After watching this difficult portrayal, I am still glad the story was told. It is definitely not a touchy, feel good kind of movie. It doesn't have that sort of fairy tale ending.

It should be watched. It should be discussed. It should spark something in all of us. It made me realize, if I haven't before, that there are two kinds of reporting...There's the sort of reporting that one does in discussing what a celebrity had for breakfast. Then there's another sort of reporting. It's the kind a person may risk one's life for...the kind that ends up on the news trying to explain what a terrorist's motive(s) could have been on 9/11....

I understand that journalism can have it's own slant, and that there's not really any unbiased news anymore. Everyone wants their viewpoint represented. I am just grateful that there are people out there who still choose to do the kind of reporting that matters. For it is far more lucrative to report sensationalism.

telling stories...

...here will be rambling at its finest...

Is it wrong to want to be famous? I don't want to be the sort of Paris Hilton/Brittney Spears sort of famous, but the kind that's under the radar, non-glamorous, almost unimportant. I have been feeling lately that I want to share stories, individuals' stories that might not otherwise make it on paper.

how does one go about doing this? and is this a silly request? I am no journalist. I am no reporter. I am not capable of such things. So, the question is where is this coming from? this strange desire that makes no sense to me....

It seems to be driving me as of late. I can't escape it even when I try to diminish the thought by rationalization...explaining that I am not cut out for such kind of work, detailed, literary. This kind of work requires someone perhaps smarter than I am, one with an education, experience,etc. yet, this feeling of "storytelling" is still there. It does not escape....

these are the reasons why I wish i could meet myself 5, 10, 0r 20 years from now...I want to see what this hickish, small-town girl is doing with her life...what has she accomplished?

maybe the story is just a simple one of having a little money, great friends, and just some local interests(dancing, volunteering, etc)

if so, why all these outlandish thoughts in my head??? maybe I just like telling stories to myself to feel better about my lack of vision....hmmm....

alive and well

thankfulness...be thankful...those are the words that I remember hearing from a woman when I prayed for deliverance from my past...that sort of charismatic deliverance that meant you didn't walk the same, act the same, talk the same anymore...You've been delivered and changed...

As I think of today, I think that i while I am somewhat lonely, I have no reason to be...I am loved by others, and I hope to love them as well in return.

One year ago I was lying on a couch, confined to staying in bed recovering from a car accident. I was lonely then to, but appreciative to simply be alive.

Even many years before that, on Thanksgiving day, I found myself in a home of a "high society" 90 year old woman who took me back in time, through stories, pictures, and architecture, for she boasted that she had designed the blueprints of her home all by herself. She in fact mentioned these stories more than once....That thanksgiving is the one I still cherish most after all this time. I could see that we were the only ones visiting her that day, no one else, and all we were doing were bringing her some cold leftovers.

I am still thankful to be alive, but I want to "live" like that 90 year old woman...she was truly alive.

slow cooker

it seems that everything in my life is progressing slowly...slower than I had hoped... I am not a huge fan of crock pots...the waiting....it never really appealed to me....except in the fact that I was doing other tasks while it was cooking... That's a bit how I feel now. I am working, spinning, surviving...and my outcomes arrive slowly. So slow in fact, it almost seems as though nothing is really happening at all.

sundays

Because I live in the South, it's pretty common for individuals to go to church on Sundays. I realize that I feel a void when I have a chance to go, but don't. I enjoy going, as awkward as it is going by myself, with no one to join me. I have been going to the same place off and on for just over a year now. Every Sunday I am surprised by the place. You see, it's in the middle of an affluent community...and very...um...how shall I say...er...white...yep. It's not quite the same as the place I've formally joined. It's almost boring in comparison as far as the services go. And you'd think that in going this whole time, I would have figured out if it's truly my fit or not. It's like I just cannot commit to the idea of "membership"... I have been a member of a place of worship before, so what's the big deal? What's my hangup?

If I could pinpoint one thing, I would call it fear...there's this fear of commitment...what happens when I commit to this body, and something happens that cannot be restored? I have been rocked to the core by incidences in the past involving people I love and cherish, people who found themselves on opposite sides, not able to reconcile. I am afraid that I will fail this place. I will not be able to give, to serve...You see, serving is my love language....or at least my top 3. I sometimes feel as though I live to serve...

The church I attend now started this prayer list for congregants to sign up a half hour slot to pray for the leaders of the church. I signed up for it...a time perfectly coinciding with my work schedule. Did I remember to pray? ummm...no, not so much. now, I know, don't condemn myself for one little mishap. But, then I think of what I can actually give, and what I've given(or haven't given) to this body, and it is not much. I've been around long enough to know that the church is not just there to serve me; I am here to ask the question of what can I do for this body, with this body, etc.

I do believe in community, in relationships, in living it out day by day with others who share the same faith. I know it can, has been, and will be messy. I am afraid of the mess...the kind of mess that's created from a fallen egg out of the carton. One cannot make a broken egg whole again.

So, as I think of my friend's very important day tomorrow, I am worried about my lack of decision. While I don't think that I will just never do it...I wonder how long I will take before I commit.

small reminders and surprises

Tuesday night, as I was driving home from a late shift, I started to cry. I have been emotional lately, and I am letting myself cry when I feel like it. I don't want to bottle everything up. I also don't want to be a blubbering mess in front of others...so I allow myself to "feel" on my way home...I actually was wanting to just escape. I don't know what my limit is...as far as trying to take care of everything...I don't know how much further I can go. So, I was praying for relief...and I also asked for some good things, unexpected things to happen this week. I wasn't wanting to complain...I just was thinking....this is getting close to being more than I could handle. So, here are a few "good" unexpected occurrences....

1. last night at SBUX was an easy close...we had enough people...it was fun again.
2. I came into said SBUX to get my morning coffee and was greeted with 2 hugs. XoXo.
3. I received two unexpected emails yesterday from friends I haven't seen as they've moved away.
   
4. I keep getting friend requests from others on my new facebook account. (instead of the other way around)
5. The sun was blindingly bright again this morning.(no really I do enjoy that!)
   

This has been really nice so far. At this time in my life, I definitely don't want to miss the reminders and surprises that pop up.

revealing writing

The results of your analysis say:

You fill every waking moment with activity.
You are a social person who likes to talk and meet others.
You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented.
You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
You like standing out and making sure that people know your mind.

--I just filled out a handwriting analysis. I assumed that this was going to be some lame online test that I would just waste 10 or 15 minutes of my time only to find that it was actually dead on! How can asking a few simple questions about one's handwriting convey that person's personality so well? strange.....

overrated

www.unclaimedbaggage.com

-just in case you're wondering, this place did not exceed my expectations on Saturday. at least I was with good friends who definitely made the trip so much better!

off a rabbit trail...

there was once upon a time that I got myself into hot water financially speaking...well, I have since turned over a new leaf(don't you just love these idioms!). And wouldn't ya just know that the minute I start trying to be responsible is the moment when no one will even trust me....(shawn mullins please tell me what a beautiful wreck I am!)

maybe I do like Fall after all!

tonight I had the strangest craving, and desire. I wanted roasted marshmallows...Maybe my heart is changing. Perhaps I do like the Fall season... Let's see...

1)Changing leaves
2)Bonfires(and marshmallows)
3)Pumpkin carving
4)Scarves(and mittens)
5)Fireplace lounging with a good book

okay, so there are five things I like about Fall. I still despise the chill in the air...oh well....some things will never change!

my sunday condition

i am currently still in bed...have only had a shower, and sparingly, leftover sushi...haven't even went outside. my body says rest, don't do anything. and because I am trying to be less stubborn, or perhaps because what I am currently reading is good enough to keep me inside...it is bringing up all sorts of thoughts about choices and decisions...

I started to think of the concept of unconditional love...loving someone without condition. Can a person really do that? I mean, isn't that what we do? We love others on the condition that they don't change, they stay the same...or maybe they change, and we wonder if we can love them in this new condition...can we love them the same way?

I also started to think about each choice that we make and how it can create a million and one different outcomes. What choice is right at the time? What if the choice we made 6 years ago was not the right one, and it has lead to this point in time. And sometimes we make the wrong choice, and something really great happens from that decision. I like to think that's where Grace steps in and takes over.

I woke up Saturday morning grateful to be alive. grateful to be in America. I know that sounds cliche but I could have been born in another country, time period, and with less opportunity and fortune. Now, on my worse days I do not think this. I am not always grateful or appreciative for the family I was born into, or the city I've grown up in.

But, Saturday, my "manic" side or "euphoric" side felt that no matter how bad it is for me now, or has been, that it could be so much worse.

Also, spending time with some friends, much needed girl time I might add, celebrating one person's birthday made it so enjoyable. living, for all its woes, is adventurous. living is opportunistic. living life is all about the next choice I am going to make....take the vitamins, or go to bed early, or call that friend I need to reconnect with...decisions decisions...

feelings-can't I just trade them in at Wal-Mart?

Wal-Mart takes anything back right? Well, that being the case, I'd like to take my feelings back. I could do an exchange for some different ones. I don't like the ones I have right now...feelings of loneliness, feelings of sorrow, grieving,etc. I know, I know...feelings just are; you can't just trade them in.

But this girl sure would like to trade them in today. Last night, as I was working, I just began to cry, and I am not even sure exactly what prompted it. I know that I haven't had enough sleep lately. And when I don't get enough sleep, I get emotional. But, this felt deeper, like something had opened up, and wasn't about to be closed again. I have been telling those around me that I haven't even begun to process what has happened to me in the last six months--the change of events.

So, I think that I couldn't hold it in anymore. And so here I am the next morning, and it feels like I have awoke from a dream. Some of the feelings are still left over, and I want to swallow any sadness that I feel. But, I can't. I am feeling it. And I don't like it.

So, as I go shopping with a friend today, I am going to ask that we make a trip to Walley World to see if the retailer that will take anything back will take back my unwanted feelings, and just exchange them for some that I like, like happiness, wonder, satisfaction, contentment, etc.

What does being called look like?

I have been thinking these last few weeks of the reality of being called by God. I can look back on my life and recognize different times in my life where I have felt as though I was meant to serve, follow, believe in God. At this point in my life I believe it would do me no good to walk away from Him, as I have been called. If I run, He will not abandon me. He can't. I am called. I cannot walk away from the faith that I now am holding onto so desperately.

I also have moments where I am truly grateful for grace, favor, blessing and the like. I am going through a period in my life in which I am counting every penny. And honestly, even though I am living my life "without margins"(Andy Stanley reference), I am seeing God's grace in my life. I have "extra". I wasn't expecting to have that. I still am in the red, but I am not unprepared. I can still say no to bankruptcy. This hopefully is an example of diligence and wisdom...(and a little help from Dave Ramsey!)

So, although I have no idea what direction my life is headed, or even where I might lay my head months from now, I have an assurance that I am called...I am beginning to understand that it's not about me...I am called for His purposes. So, it's okay that I don't have it all figured out. :)

...who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity(2Tim 1:9)

humility

I am not sure what to write about on this subject, except to say that I realized something about the definition of humility. This weekend I listened to someone speak on this topic, and quoting someone really smart(I cannot even remember who originally said it!) stated that one who has humility, has a right assessment of oneself.

I never thought of humility in that exact way before. I associate humility as thinking less of yourself, and simply lowering yourself to some status similar to soap scum.

However, humility is acknowledging who you are, and who you are not. For instance, humility doesn't say "I can't sing that well." when you sound like Charlotte Church (or whomever you believe a really talented singer might be.)

I admit that I am good with the verse in the bible that speaks of one esteeming others more than one's self, thinking of others first, you get the idea...But when it comes to acknowledging what i am good at, and what I can do, I tend to just look over my own accomplishments, and try to attribute success to someone else. "They were really helpful, and were the catalyst...yada yada yada. While all these things might be true, I can't negate my own workings in the situation...

so, this week perhaps I will embrace a correct view of myself...no more false pride, just truth.

Just face it

i am listening to a lot, a lot of country music lately. I think i am wanting to get back to my roots, get back to a time when my life was simpler, and more down to earth.

I was leaving the apartment today after a long day of cleaning, purging, and organizing. While driving, I heard Carrie Underwood's new song, "Wasted".

I started to examine exactly where I am at in this season of my life. The lyrics were quite poignant for my current situation. I don't want to just exist. One of my biggest fears in life is that I will look back upon my life regretting missed opportunities and wrong decisions. So, this song speaks to me.

here's a sample:

She said sometimes love slips away
and you just can't get it back
Let's face it

For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it

This song is true for me. I almost went back into the situation that i have since left. And yes, I saw my way out. I am not regretful of my decision. It was a difficult one. And I am facing it. Is this a sign of maturity? Oh God, I hope so.

sell all that you own

I am sure that when jesus said this, he didn't really mean because the person himself was poor. I am, however, in that situation. Because of my own stupidity, I am left with nothing. Instead of being depressed and angry, I am finding myself ecstatic. I love not having "stuff". I have never been attached to things, per se. But, this is quite an extreme mode of living. I think it goes back to my need to survive growing up. When you are just trying to survive the situation, then you find out what is truly important. (books, people, underwear) The hardest part is knowing how poor I really am. I am not just poor, but I am much like the government. I have a deficit. This is something I don't like attached to me. Red ink is a part of who I am currently. This must change. Hence, selling all that I own...

to thine own self be true

this is what I am doing in this season of my life

I am finding out who I am, who I am not, and what I need to change.

I love nature, being out in it, basking in the sunshine.

I am country, yes, there I said it--if you could hear me, I would sound heavy with drawl.

I am a hard worker-although I am interested in the idea of working smarter.

I am someone who pays back what I owe."Just say no" to bankruptcy.
(Disclaimer: if I owe you money, i am so so so sorry, just let me know, and I will pay it back, I promise! I probably forgot.)

I am not that great of a friend, but what I do best is make you feel like a million bucks when you are actually in my presence.

I am a bookworm. I love books, book ideas, book clubs, bookstores, anything with the word "book" in it.

I don't like confrontation. i abhor it.

I love experiencing new things. I used to attribute this to being fickle, but I am coming to understand that so much of my experiences are truly about finding out what makes me tick.

These are just a few things that I have been mulling over in my head as of late. Is that even a real word. I don't even know.

working for a livin....

i don't really want to have correct punctuality at the moment. I am writing this too late, and just want to get it on paper....

today I was at the grocery store picking up some things and noticed one of the workers outside. he is working there just about every time I go. for awhile I didn't see him, and I have to admit, i missed him. i like going regularly to the same place, and being able to spot familiar faces. i find it quite reassuring. what i also think is interesting about this person is that every time I see him, he is talking to himself. he is not very positive, as it seems that he is always arguing with himself. and while i do find it a bit sad, i also inwardly smile, appreciating his faithfulness. seriously, he's there quite a bit. he does many jobs that others probably would shirk. he is working. bringing in an income. keeping the economy going, all while being, er, let's just say somewhat inhibited mentally.

and yet, i know someone who mentally is strong, or at least doesn't have conversations with himself, but somehow cannot find it within themselves to go to work for just a few hours a day.

i find it hard to understand.....i find it hard to empathize....i find it hard to believe.....

The Measure Of A Man

In my profile, I am going to be sure to admit that I enjoy country music WAAAY more than I should. Today I was listening to a song that by Jack Ingram that spoke about what being a man is all about. I enjoy this song because of the storyline of the character, what he has learned over the years. In the end, he becomes this softhearted, honest, gentleman. I feel as though in our culture today the hard part for guys is testing what is true manhood. I, not being a man of course, cannot state what that is...But I think this song starts in the right place. I appreciate the telling of the story almost as much as the twang. (wink!)