ache

...I have not written in a long time. I don't really know what to say anymore...I wrote this awhile ago, and didn't even know if I should publish it. I'm pu.blishing it now so I have it. It's still a tip of the iceburg of what I was feeling at the time...and even now.

I have not written in such a shile, and honestly, I am not sure if I can even write what I am feeling now. Currently, I am lying on my bed trying to recover from the sinus infection that is kicking me to the curb. I did not go to work today. I have some sick days left, so I am taking advantage of it.

I am not surprised at all that I am sick. I have been grieving over the loss of my mother just one day less than a month ago. I don't really know how to grieve over something I wasn't even expecting.

I feel like I just want to hide. from every responsibility I have. I am grateful that I do not have children, as that would prove difficult in trying to take care of them, when I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself.

f-e-a-r grips me and its clutch is choking my dreams. I have been thinking of pursuing work closer to what I want to do for a living. However, a degree is expected, and I am not courageous enough. I want to hide in my work, not really exist. I am afraid to keep moving in school. I don't have a strong grasp on what it is specifically I want to do. And with the economy like it is, I am not sure I will even be able to find work.

I am scared to keep moving. I just want to stand still.

my very own

I am currently watching a movie about growing up in a small town. It happens to be a small town near where I grew up.

The characters want so desperately to get out of the "one horse town" that they are from. It's quite a bit corny, but it parallels to dreams that my friends and I shared in high school.

Having a life, a life of one's own...that can have meaning and purpose, it seems like that is all I could hink about at eighteen. And to have meaning and purpose, getting out of a small town was imperative.

My immediate family always asks why don't I move back to the town where I was raised. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that....I don't want to.

Two things that I wonder while I am watching this movie. When a person lives and dies in the same town, does that person have automatic access to community? Community seems to be new word to celebrate. People move to parts of the city to create a community, to build community.

So, to have a life of one's own usually means leaving the place one was born. Doesn't that make it hard to connect with others, and live in community?

just wondering....

words

okay, so yesterday I was having a conversation about how important words are to me...and someone commented that they could see that from my writing on this blog...really?

I guess I just don't think about it that way.

Yesterday was my friend's birthday, and we celebrated the evening by starting the evening eating dinner at a local restaurant downtown. It was just outside, so one could feel a steady breeze from the wind. And the temperature seemed to me to be absolutely perfect.

I wanted to savor the entire night. Good conversations, good food, and good wine. This sums up a perfect evening for me.

It really doesn't take much to make me smile...

And here's a list of other noteworthy things of beauty....

The apple red tulips that are blooming outside our office.

The green grass that is soaked by the recent rain.

My new phone...yes, it is a beautiful thing to me! :)

The place where I currently live, warm and inviting.

Living in a country in which I can have the freedom to do so many things on a daily basis.
--one of those being worship the way I choose without the fear of imprisonment, or death.

mind over matter

sometimes my body gives out on me...at the worst time...why can't I just trick my body into behaving the way I want it to?