family, fairytales, and fear

I have found it so very difficult to write anything as of late. I wrote a "draft", but decided not to publish it. It has been slightly over a month since my mother's funeral. Her passing was so sudden I did not even get to say good-bye. I must admit that I have not been quite sure on how to grieve...mourn...whatever the word is in which one tries to move on. For a time, my heart ached so severely, I thought surely I was having anxiety attacks.

I simply did not want to move on...I wanted to go back in time. I wanted her back. I wanted a different reality, perhaps even a fairytale. I believe that I was even beginning to shut down. I since willed myself to move on. My heart aches still, but less so.

Something that she said to me has been reverberating in my mind lately. She spoke of how I am always searching...And for the longest time, I resented what she was telling me. However, tonight, upon watching the movie Finding Neverland, I experienced a glimpse of what she was saying.

I am afraid of not being enough, not doing enough, not knowing enough, I am generally just afraid to experience so much of life. And, that fear haunts me. I try to figure it out, decipher parts of myself, self-diagnose,etc....you get the picture. Yet, in my efforts at trying so hard to fix what's "wrong" with me, I fail to find the things that are "right". I long to be content in my own skin...and hopefully that day will come before I am ninety!

women

I am four feet ten or eleven, depending on which doctor's office I am at, or perhaps from some measuring dispenser. I wear whatever I have purchased as cheaply as I could, or some form of hand-me-downs from friends and loved ones.

I have great hair. I thank God for my hair that most days seems to manage itself, and look pretty grand. It would probably look better if maintained with regular haircuts, colors, and the like...but, that kind of maintenance wears me out.

I am not graceful, I am rather clumsy. Only when I am dancing do I feel somewhat agile, and steady. Although, I like to pretend sometimes a runway model, and do "the walk".

I know my beauty, and the limits of it. I was speaking with a male co-worker, and we agreed that it's probably better to have a real assessment of your looks, and even better to have almost an ignorant one. For, the person who knows accurately how they can appeal to someone else can as we all know become cocky, arrogant,etc.

And the best part that I like about myself is that I am a woman. I love, love, love being a woman. I don't always love the walk that is mine in being one, but I love that I got the chance to be female, and not male. Not to hate on the boys or anything, but I enjoy being able to share with another person my emotions, feelings, etc. Guys miss out when they don't do that...

Anyway, I have been thinking these last few weeks of the vision of my life, and what I am to do. I have these sort of grandiose ideas of becoming something great; the reality of it is, my name will probably not be known a hundred years from now. But, I do believe in personal responsibility, and feel as though my purpose, my existence is waiting...waiting on me to find the next piece of the puzzle of my life.

w-o-m-e-n

I love being around women, I love to hear their stories, I love to share in their moments of joy, as well as show sympathy in their sorrows.

I want to do something that "gives back" to women, that helps them enrich their lives, something that can tell their stories, something that can make them grandmothers who speak wisdom to their grandchildren.

how?

helping in a women's shelter, helping women escape from human trafficking, helping women survive breast cancer...these are only a few avenues...now, for a clearer vision...like the man that Jesus healed...I can see men who look like trees walking.

vow of silence, sort of...

I am a different believer than I used to be…

I feel as though I’ve changed over these last few years.

I no longer have signs visibly giving attention to my faith.

No Christian t-shirt, no bumper sticker promising to ride with Him, no bible study or Sunday school attendance to account for.

I am more and yet, less at the same time. I am more aware that I don’t look the part. I am less visible.

I am not sure if that is enough for my brothers and sisters, as I know that we don’t live in an age of drawing convictions in the sand. We need people to tattoo Jesus on their skin. We need signs.

For now, I am okay with not being enough, because I know that someday I will be more balanced, more visible, less hidden. Until then…hopefully my life speaks louder than my words.

self-reflection

I hit a wall these last two weeks. Even though I have tried to stay positive and inspired, nothing has helped to get me out of whatever "funk" I was in.

Also, today I was unbelievably honest with a friend...a friend that I hardly know. I told him how I am in friendship. I am the perfect person if you have an emergency. However, I am not the best friend to have if you need someone day-to-day. This is something that I have come to realize over the last year or so.

I am not exactly sure how to "work" on it, other than being there in the "day-to-day" with a person. And, until then, I plan on just giving a disclaimer:

"friend during the hard times only"

things I just don't understand...

here are just a few questions on my mind lately...

can someone please explain this bailout thing to me in "layman's" terms?

can someone please explain to me why people still walk their dogs and run on the road, when there is a perfectly good sidewalk to walk and run on?

...here lately there seems to be a million things that I just don't understand.

I just want a million and one saturdays to happen together all in one-right now...

I just want to escape.

relapse

this week I had a relapse...of sorts.

I have been so angry this past week. I have fallen off the happy wagon. I have remembered the pain and the hurt all over again...complete with memories attached.

I thought that I was fine with moving on...with acclimating to my new life...

And then, I have a small encounter with a person that has manipulated me, hurt me, and lied to me...

Floods of emotions come like torrents, and I once again guard myself, ready for the weight and the pressure.

I guess I wasn't quite over it all...

This Week's Theme:

-I have all of these things in my head that I want to say. It's just that they come and go so quickly I don't have enough time to write them all down-

themes in circulation at the moment:

forgiveness...letting go...losing my self-control...working way too much...

peacemaking...piano playing...baby-sitting...

career-changing...learning about Biden

-Oh, and I just ate 3.6 oz. of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream that I bought at Kroger's for $1. Really, it's overpriced, but proportionately, the perfect amount of ice cream consumption. Yum!

Lance Armstrong's One Regret

I love to listen to things at work. You'd think that I might be always wanting to "woo" it up, listening in on everyone's conversations, adding my two cents whenever I can, and basically just be my nosey self. Well, the truth is that I like to put my headphones and just ingest whatever I can, whether it be listening to new artists that sound like my favorite on www.pandora.com or listening to interviews, audio books, and lectures one learnoutloud.com. I am a bit of an information junkie.

When I saw the clip of the day being an interview with Lance Armstrong at 2007 Aspen Ideas Festival which I think is totally cool! I enjoyed the interview, and was taken back by the question and answer someone asked and Lance answered. The audience member asked him if had any regrets in his life. I assumed that naturally he might regret some sort of time that he wish he would have finished with, or something of that nature. Honestly, I expected him to cockily admit that he had not regrets, yada yada yada.

Instead, he candidly admitted that his divorce was the one thing that he regretted. And his reason for giving it was that it could never be put on the "W" shelf (for winning). But, that it would always go under the "F" shelf. And although he and his ex-wife share a amicable relationship and work to provide as much of a stable environment for their children as they can, this is something that he could not work hard enough on to salvage, and save, and keep.

I appreciate someone of his social status to admitting something like that. It is a hard thing to admit. failure. And, I don't know all the things that caused this failure of divorce in his life. But, what I do know is that overall he is not a failure. This one thing on the shelf, the "F" shelf, is just that...one thing on the shelf. It does not define him. He has plenty of things that he can look to on the the "W" shelf.

There was a time shortly after my seperation and divorce in which I attributed everything I did wrong as a comparison to the "F" on my shelf...my own divorce. I filtered every mistake through the lens of that situation. I assumed that since I had failed at that, then no wonder I was failing to complete tasks at work, and making mistakes, etc.

I am not quite sure how exactly, but listening to him speak about a difficult topic helped me in those few moments. I can't fully explain it, other than saying that I came away with a belief that I don't have to be defined exclusively by what I have done. The definition of who I am is so much more.

whew...long post that was! I blame it on all the writing I am supposed to be doing for school! :)

vision

Last week I admitted to my boss that I have no vision as to where the division of the organization that I work for was going. I did not know the steps it would take to get it where it needed to go. I was terrified to admit this, mainly because I felt as though at some level this was an unwritten responsibility of mine. Not because it exists in my job description but, because there has been a void as of late. Specifically, the division I work in is in "maintenance" stage. The tires have air in them, the oil checks are done, and the spark plugs are change,etc. But no new accessories are added like a GPS system, no body paint has been sprayed, nothing new and shiny, if you will. So, the question for me is am I good at keeping it at its maintenance stage. Am I good at my job?

This question of vision has been coming around a lot to me lately. I do not have a clue of where I will be after I finish school. I don't even know if anyone will even consider me, even after I receive my degree. My assumption is that the work and effort I am putting into going back to school will afford me a better paying career, and propel me into a life's work I can be proud of. The question for me is, what is that work? And can I begin it now before school starts.

The first dilemma presented to me is this: What field? Currently, I embrace all things customer service if you will. I think that my self-efficacy is high when I am serving others in this way. But, this new decision to go into the field of Sociology is serving, yes, but whom? Do I work with organizations who serve the poor or help the homeless, researching hopefully along the way how to improve peoples' lives? Or could I work for organizations that deal with adoptions, or the elderly.

Mostly, I look for inspiration. But, I have yet to find a specific field that I can see myself in every single day. That is the part about being an Aquarius that can be a little frustrating. We can become very passionate and then just as quickly lose that passion and move onto something else.

And it all goes back to my term for this season of my life: eudaimonia

I just want to find out what it is I am purposed here for, and that everything that I am doing is furthering me to that point.

sick-o

I am at home resting from having a sinus infection. boo hoo. I watched Oprah interview Michael Moore, the anti-Bush guy who did the documentary Sicko. I wish I knew more on this subject of healthcare in America and in other countries. One of the audience members was from Canada and said that even though care is granted to them, there are large waiting lists. Hmmm...In a society such as ours, I am not sure we can embrace universal healthcare when those types of issues arrive. I work at Starbucks where the average person receives a latte in the time of one minute. Now, a long wait is considered five to seven minutes. Sometimes, we receive complaints from our customers about waiting. seven minutes of their life spent on a beverage that will be consumed maybe even in that amount of time. So, here's my question, in a immediate gratification expectancy, can we justify waiting eighteen months for care from a specialist? I don't think so. The answer is not quite so simple as universal health care, even though as a human being, I really believe in it.

In other news, I snapped at my roommate today. I interrupted her to the point to where she would not engage with me anymore regarding the story she was telling me. It just wasn't worth it to her. Instead of giving her the decency of finishing her story, she just said, "no, I'm done. I don't have anything to say." And then, I read a motivational email that said to be grateful when our flaws are brought to the surface so it can show us what we still have yet to improve on...yippee? Oh, how far I have to go in this process of being an upright, conciencous, selfless human being.

Lastly, I have been swamped with school lately. I go online, so it should not be that difficult. But, I find it hard to time crunch and fit everything in. I am finished with my cultural perspectives class. And now I am on to Social Psychology which is a bit more easy for my brain to digest. In essence, I am studying about "myself". I think so much of myself as it is, so this class shouldn't be too difficult!

And I got to watch a little bit of the Olympics this weekend, and enjoyed seeing some of the events that will make the history books, including the 41 year old mom, that I think should inspire us all regarding what we are capable of doing.

just a few things on my mind...

wow. I have not written in over a month. I cannot believe I did not write at all in July. I cannot believe I am wrapping up on a political perspectives class, and am actually, for the most part, doing well in it. Well, let's back up...I have a paper that's due tomorrow, that is worth about a 1/5 of the class grade, and I haven't even started on it. Well, I started the introduction, and my thesis...I am about to go work at Starbucks, and then...come home, lock myself into my room...and write, write, write.

Right now, it's all in my head. It sounds brilliant in my head. Most things do.

This week I facebooked that all I wanted was some eudiamonia. That's one of those words that I forget what it means as soon as I read the definition in the dictionary...But, it is definitely one of those things that I desire. If you go on www.eudiamonia.com you will find two definitions for it. I am in love with the word because it speaks of what I am after. I want to live day after day with a real sense of accomplishment and vision. I want to be able to look at myself five years down the road, and "shake hands with that person" and go, wow, I am excited about where I am going. Right now, I cannot see anything 5 days in front of me, much less than five years. And I wake up thinking am I just living a fake life, and wondering if I am going to be found out.

But something that I am not is apathetic about work. I enjoy work, even the "two jobs" as frustrating as it can be sometimes...I am grateful for what these jobs have afforded me. I have been able to pay off my car along with other debt. What is up with some of those in my generation, and the generation after me that just sees fit to complain about their job, and just incessantly complain about how much they hate work, and hate their job? Now, I must remember that with my "positivity" theme, I don't actually do well with negativity. So, that is one aspect of why that gets under my skin so...but the other part. I just don't know why it is so easy to complain. I am not talking about the types of jobs where there are problems, and one discusses such and hopes to solve or diminish the problems and venting along the way. I mean the type of complaining with no resolution in the end.

Is the whole generation doing this? I think we all could use some edemame, er, eudiamonia.

definitely, maybe, definitely

I just finished watching the movie Definitely, Maybe this weekend. It was okay, for a romantic comedy, I guess. I didn't have so much a problem with the plot as much as I had a problem with the part at the end.

Movies like this get me every time...I get pulled in emotionally, and I hate it. Towards the end of the movie, the dad says to the daughter, "You're the happy ending." Why does that get to me so? Because it opens up the old wound of not knowing, meeting, having a relationship with my dad. It's not that I don't have a good relationship with him. It's that the relationship is non-existent.

In other news, I have had a really great time this weekend with my roomates. And I want the weekend to last longer. I am glad that Friday is July 4th. Woohoo!

I am getting sleepy, so this can of worms post that I have just opened up, is going to have to close...maybe more next time....definitely...good night.

confidence is a tricky thing...

some days I am brilliant. some days I am controversial. some days I am just make a fool of myself. I think that my confidence is swayed by my feelings, as if they are a compass...I feel this about myself today so therefore I am confident. When I am unsure of myself in a certain area, I waver in being confident. Sometimes, I've been known to lose all confidence in myself over something small...seemingly small...that didn't seem so small to me. It happens to me more than I care to admit. It happens no matter how many times I try to quote a scripture about putting my confidence in Christ. I think that when I know I didn't do my all, everything I could, that is when I lack the confidence. However, sometimes, the confidence is not there even though I know what I am doing...I am hoping that this is just a phase of early adulthood. I hope that as I age, my confidence is more steady, less of a reed in the wind. But, what am I to do about it now? until then?

Everybody has a story...

Everybody has a story:
Okay, so I admit that my postings have been scarce as of late. I have lots ‘o’ reasons for this, and now will have a surplus…this is part of the rambling part of my post.

I was thinking this week about stories, individual’s stories, and how just by looking at a person, one might be surprised at his or her story. I found myself in that situation last night. I was working the drive-thru at Starbux last night and one of our regular customers came through and ordered some drinks for the whole family. Because I am a bit of a chatterbox anyway, I was just making small talk, and then casually made a statement that opened up this whole avenue of conversation.

From looking at a person, I think we as humans tend to look at an individual, and we think we “know” that person. We think that we have them “figured out”. Because of the location I work, I see many people come through that have money, success, fame…and they look the part of soccer moms, musicians, business professionals. Now, I think that I can have my own bias regarding those classes of people. But, last night all of those biases were swept aside, and I just talked to this person like they’ve been a friend for ages…And I found out a portion of their story, or testimony, which is the word they kept using. What a story it was. It was filled with themes of love, redemption, and surprises. It was definitely a bit of a Hallmark vibe. And because of this new piece of the puzzle, I now have this new admiration for the adversity this person has had to face. I can no longer fit this person into the usual biases that I fit the customers in….And it reminds me that these biases/boxes/etc. that I use are ineffective and useless anyway.

Someday I hope to have mastered this way of thinking and have it laid to rest.

list of 14 things on 43things.com

Well, this is one of my goals on my list. Some of them are mildly entertaining. Some of them are a far away thought. But this one, this one inhabits all sorts of ideas, memories, past mistakes, indecisiveness, and just plain regret. Because I have not finished something completely, I am hesitant to write about it. But, I guess I can look at it from a “progress” perspective.
This summer I started this goal. I started a class at a local community college. I started looking into things like credits, costs, and timing of the classes I needed. What I found was that I needed three credits, essentially one class. Just one. Only one. I was stunned. I started to wonder why I had went to school, and quit with only one class to go. But, I stopped that mode of thinking, as I know that kind of thinking profits me nothing. So, I planned my schedule, and took the nights off from my part-time job at Starbux, and forked over the money for the class and textbook. And now I am four weeks into the class, that is only five weeks long.
So, that’s a good explanation of where I’ve been. Stuck in a class 3 nights a week.
Now, because I don’t do anything lightly, I decided to finish my Bachelor’s degree online…and decided to start that the same time I was finishing up the other. I now affectionately call my room the dungeon. I feel like I have been glued to my bed doing some sort of homework for the last 4 weeks. But, honestly, I can’t imagine my life any different right now. I am finally getting something on this list scratched off, and taking a big chunk out of the “regrets” in my life.
So, right now, even though things are still a bit rough and difficult, I am doing oh so well…I am happy, feeling fulfilled, and enjoying the course of my life thus far.
This is a very different feeling than what I felt a year ago…more on that later.

See more progress on: go back to school

sometimes I get it right...

At work lately, I have not been doing so well...missing deadlines, poor customer service, and just bad miscalculations...

Well, today, I am giving myself a pat on the back.

I remembered something that needed renewal for our company to keep up and running.

Last year at this time, the renewal expired with no one knowing. This in turn caused our site to be completely down.

This year, because of better communication we discussed the expiration coming up soon...And today, I followed up on what to do about the renewal....All it will take is a simple email requesting approval, and we're good to go.

So, yeah, sometimes I get it right, and actually deliver results, good "pat on the back" results.

a good day

today was a good day.

One of my issues -- there are so many -- came to the surface last night after a friend's text message. texting. it's so easy to just write a simple few lines. but, the problem is the lack of real communication. that is when you have to actually talk. and that's what I did today.

We were simply texting back and forth, and this person made a joke, that just simply went too far, well, too far for me. I overreacted, and simply had a moment. I slept on it, and then was able to deal with it today. Thinking about the best way to let someone know that they hurt my feelings, and then actually telling them...that's progress for me. Usually, I just mope, and react, and then just go inward. I usually somehow turn it around, and simply wonder what it was that I did. Not this time. I knew that my initial reaction was one of self-defense. But, I was able to move past that, and think about what I could do to move past the moment.

And, the person who "hurt my feelings" apologized, and then we were able to talk it out. Now, I know for some that this is just simple and common-sense type of stuff. I am not one of those people who can just simply communicate my feelings, opinions, etc. I have a "people pleasing filter" and co-dependant slant.

O, here's to progress...

oh, and did I mention that I also finished watching the last two episodes of LOST? Is anybody else as confused as I am?

c-r-a-z-y.

oh, and did I mention that I had a good day? I hope I am able to have more really soon.

reality vs. illusion

This weekend, my roommate's family was in town to celebrate her sister's graduation. By family I mean, parents, grandparents, and siblings. Did I mention that they were all in the house at one time? I was drugged up the entire weekend. I don't mean "smack" or "mary jane" or any other slang for illegal substances. I mean the intoxication of family. For me, getting to eavesdrop on another family makes me high....in a "manic" sort of way, with no lithium to sort it out.

Saturday, however, I broke away from this experience to travel to my own hometown to visit my mom and my grandparents. Sometimes, when I come home I feel like a stranger. I truly am a stranger. I don't know them, and they don't really know me. This is the reality. I love them dearly, and am proud to have been born in such a hard-working family. In truth, there's so much about my family I don't know. There's so much that is a mystery. It eludes me how to get that back, how to bridge the distance of not knowing to knowing.

Now, my roomate's family is leaving, and I think my hangover is starting. But, just like a recent Grey's Anatomy episode I watched, I must choose to live in the reality of the situation, and not fantasize about this family, one that I don't even know better than my own.

The reality is that I think the grass is greener. But, I know deep down that it's not.

My family, for all its differences and mishaps and misgivings, is a pretty solid group of people...I have learned great things from them, even if it's been from mistakes. They've stood by me during my crazy "holy-roller" days, and even thus far, with my divorce. They don't give up on me.

I am not giving up the hope of knowing them...my family, that is.

parties

Yesterday I went to my first and last college party. I am not in college(in a normal sort of way, anyway), nor would I ever formally be invited to something like that. we were there dropping off someone who lives there. There was a boy there who I had a crush on, in which the fruition of this has now become a personal mission, not a mission in pursuing him, but a mission to help him in whom he is pursuing! He is crushing on a co-worker of mine, and I hope to make it my personal mission to get them together. it feels good. it feels good to help others in their love life. I do not want a love life of my own right now. That is not a language I currently want to be speaking right now.

Last night, before the random college party visit, I was able to go to this chic's cd release party. I had such a fun time hanging out with friends. I sometimes found it hard to sit still because I enjoy dancing in my seat so much. I pretty much enjoy dancing any chance I get. I have that annoying habit of dancing around whenever I might here music...in the grocery store, in line at the post office. My mom, would always nudge me and tell me to stand still. Five minutes later, I'd be at it again. I guess some things never change...

feels like home

right now I am currently typing in my room while my roomates are asleep upstairs. can I tell you that I've never had roomates? when I was in YWAM, I shared a room with others, but that felt more like a dorm...not necessarily a roomate situation.

i've been thinking lately about the course of my life over the last year. it has been just over a year since my ex-husband stopped working. I think this time last year was when I started to break down. it was about july last year when I started wondering where we were going to live. I was panicking that the two options would be to be homeless, or move back to his parents small living quarters. he did have to move back home, but I think this option was good for him as he will have loved ones who can love him unconditionally, and take care of him

i feel like I am finally at peace about where I am living. I rent, and don't own a home of my own. But the house I rent is beautiful, and I love the people that I share this home with. It is warm, inviting, and safe and quiet.

for someone that prides herself on such little belongings, I recently bought a bed and sheets, pillows, and the like. Some would say, well of course you need to spend money on that. But this cheap gal agonized over every buying decision. But after all the agonizing is over, I have a great little piece of furniture to sleep peacefully at night.

it does feel like home.

back and forth

Today I keep going back and forth between two extremes--hope and apathy.

Today I am sorrowful for a friend of mine who is having to say goodbye to a faithful pet, and having to say goodbye to an unfaithful love.

Today I am overjoyed for friend of mine who is having a whirlwind of a romance, possibly debating if this person is ‘the one’.

Today I am admiring another friend of mine who is having to make a bold move and walk away from a relationship prospect, a promising one at that.

And as I remember my own experiences with love lost this past year or so, I still find myself hopeful. How can that be, I ask. And then, I crush the hopefulness in my hand, and reach out for the cynicism that proves to be a welcome guest in my home these days. I cannot trust hope. I cannot trust myself with hope.

There is this guy who plays songs on a keyboard making a statement of risking a chance at something, a love so thick, so real, so passionate you can taste it. At this point in my life, the risk is not worth it.

There are people all over the globe who are making the choice-saying yes, walking away, and deciding if the risk is worth taking.

I am not sure if the risk will ever again be worth taking for me. To let someone in so close that you can literally taste the experience is too dangerous.

I think I will continue to push down the hope so far down that it is unrecognizable to me. I am sure some psychologist somewhere would call this self-preservation. I cannot disagree. This is all a part of my survival. I am good at surviving.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I still know how to be hopeful for those around me, and will continue to do so,.

This is safe for me. This is real. This is what I can take. This is somethin’.

just wanted to say...

that I think this chic is amazing. thanks brooke for sharing at a crowded coffeehouse with a captive audience. beautiful.

not very pretty...but I get by

someone thinks I should blog a bit more...well, here goes.

let's see what comes out of this brain at one in the morn'. I was thinking so much today about being pretty, being beautiful, and yes, even sexy...quite frankly i think those three adjectives are not quite as similar as one might find them to be in a thesaurus.

my state of mind has contained each three at various times. and even all three were today.

when going out to lunch with my office mates, I thought I was pretty...not beautiful, but pretty. pretty and confident in a dorky sort of way. I am never confident in that businessy ceo chic way. I am simply me....funny, silly, quirky...oh, so quirky oh, and don't forget absent-minded...and all the while feeling pretty while chatting it up about boys and the like...not feeling pretty cuz we're talking about boys, but because we feel pretty, we talk about boys(and other things, too!)

then there's beautiful....listening to people play music, sing their songs, and getting caught up in the moment, in the joy of their moment. that makes me feel beautiful. like listening to them makes me beautiful; strange concept I know.

side note: tonight, while watching american idol, natasha bedingfield was singing. she is beautiful.

lastly, feeling sexy was a very minute part of my day, but definitely happened to occur. compliments from an entire table of people definitely can give a gal a boost. red lipstick doesn't hurt either;)


in reflecting my mood regarding my own appeal...I realize that I feel based on my experiences around me....

I think that I want to really feel beautiful all the time. that's my niche. not because I think I am, but because I feel that way not based on my looks, but my connection and appreciation with my surroundings. it is the state of mind I like best.


maybe the next time someone tries to tell me I am attractive, I will listen. we'll see...

ache

...I have not written in a long time. I don't really know what to say anymore...I wrote this awhile ago, and didn't even know if I should publish it. I'm pu.blishing it now so I have it. It's still a tip of the iceburg of what I was feeling at the time...and even now.

I have not written in such a shile, and honestly, I am not sure if I can even write what I am feeling now. Currently, I am lying on my bed trying to recover from the sinus infection that is kicking me to the curb. I did not go to work today. I have some sick days left, so I am taking advantage of it.

I am not surprised at all that I am sick. I have been grieving over the loss of my mother just one day less than a month ago. I don't really know how to grieve over something I wasn't even expecting.

I feel like I just want to hide. from every responsibility I have. I am grateful that I do not have children, as that would prove difficult in trying to take care of them, when I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself.

f-e-a-r grips me and its clutch is choking my dreams. I have been thinking of pursuing work closer to what I want to do for a living. However, a degree is expected, and I am not courageous enough. I want to hide in my work, not really exist. I am afraid to keep moving in school. I don't have a strong grasp on what it is specifically I want to do. And with the economy like it is, I am not sure I will even be able to find work.

I am scared to keep moving. I just want to stand still.

my very own

I am currently watching a movie about growing up in a small town. It happens to be a small town near where I grew up.

The characters want so desperately to get out of the "one horse town" that they are from. It's quite a bit corny, but it parallels to dreams that my friends and I shared in high school.

Having a life, a life of one's own...that can have meaning and purpose, it seems like that is all I could hink about at eighteen. And to have meaning and purpose, getting out of a small town was imperative.

My immediate family always asks why don't I move back to the town where I was raised. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that....I don't want to.

Two things that I wonder while I am watching this movie. When a person lives and dies in the same town, does that person have automatic access to community? Community seems to be new word to celebrate. People move to parts of the city to create a community, to build community.

So, to have a life of one's own usually means leaving the place one was born. Doesn't that make it hard to connect with others, and live in community?

just wondering....

words

okay, so yesterday I was having a conversation about how important words are to me...and someone commented that they could see that from my writing on this blog...really?

I guess I just don't think about it that way.

Yesterday was my friend's birthday, and we celebrated the evening by starting the evening eating dinner at a local restaurant downtown. It was just outside, so one could feel a steady breeze from the wind. And the temperature seemed to me to be absolutely perfect.

I wanted to savor the entire night. Good conversations, good food, and good wine. This sums up a perfect evening for me.

It really doesn't take much to make me smile...

And here's a list of other noteworthy things of beauty....

The apple red tulips that are blooming outside our office.

The green grass that is soaked by the recent rain.

My new phone...yes, it is a beautiful thing to me! :)

The place where I currently live, warm and inviting.

Living in a country in which I can have the freedom to do so many things on a daily basis.
--one of those being worship the way I choose without the fear of imprisonment, or death.

mind over matter

sometimes my body gives out on me...at the worst time...why can't I just trick my body into behaving the way I want it to?

chicken

yesterday marked the anniversary of me meeting my dad for the first and last time. one and only one time. why am i still chasing after that meeting, so desperately wanting to know as an adult if i was really wanted or if i was simply a bother that day…
i spoke with my mom yesterday but i was too fearful to bring up the conversation, difficult and painful…so i did what any cowardiced individual might do…i chickened out…
friday i meet up with her and she will be taking me out to lunch. maybe then i can bring it up. we’re both adults right, i can have an calm, stable conversation with my mother right?
we’ll see….

See more progress on: Reunite with my Father

wanted

Today I want so many things....

I want to be over this divorce...

I want to have finished my taxes...

I want to have traded in my car already, the one I have to make payments on, the one that is guzzling gas, the one that has scratches on it which decreases its value. I want to trade it in for a junker, hopefully that will go a hundred thousand miles.

I want so many things on this day.

acceptance

This weekend I received an acceptance of application in the mail from Columbia State.

So, I am accepted. Now it is up to me to do the work. I have only one class to finish to be able to receive just an Associate’s Degree.

How simple it sounds, and yet it has taken so much for me to get to this point.

Life is not simple. This simple task is not simple in my world. But, hopefully I can continue on…not quitting, not giving up.

We’ll see….

See more progress on: go back to school

roots and berries

did you know that rasberries aren't really berries? they are "aggregate fruits"...because they actually are a cluster of fruits...you know what could be considered a berry by definition? bananas, yep, and tomatoes, too...

that confuses me...

much like my feelings here lately...they confuse me, almost betray me. you see I am a person who likes to deal with something and then move on...well, at least that is the idea I have of how it is supposed to work...one of my "strengths" is restorative...I like things to be as they were, or better.

i want to be as i once was...or better yet, more than i once was...more mature, more responsible, stronger.

this week i had emotions that i tried to prepare for. you see, i am a woman. i expect to have crazy, irrational thoughts at least on certain days of the year. i have even allowed myself to have a "cry" day...at least that's what i call it. on that day, i could be like Hurley on Lost and win the lottery, yet i feel like someone just shot my dog...it's just not rational, it just doesn't make sense...

hormones.

and this week, i was not prepared for the emotions that came like a torrential downpour. unrelenting.

i tell myself i want to get to the root of the problem, but there is a part of me that knows to get to the root, i must deal with my divorce...the divorce that was finalized on tuesday...the divorce that i filed for...the divorce that is considered sin among some religious circles...i want to be "restored" from it. now. not tomorrow. not next year....NOW.

but, i am smart enough to know that healing doesn't happen overnight. it's a slow process.

i am ready for it to begin...to quote a line from a recently viewed episode of Grey's Anatomy..."I am letting go. I need to let go." I want to continue to shed and let go and peel the pieces of me that no longer belong, they weigh me down--whatever it takes.

in love

i was in love once. i was in love with someone i later decided to marry. at least i believed i was in love. and as of tuesday morning, i am no longer married to this person. i am no longer 'in love' with this person, either. the truth is, i actually don't really think of him much at all.

now, i am in love with the feeling of being in love. i love it.

here's to being in love...with life...

happy birthday mom!

just wanted to send you a thank you for who you are...

sometimes I don't appreciate all that you've been in my life. and let's face it, there were times when you weren't there at all...

but you made a decision to have another child when you could have just "roevwade"'d me.

and you are here for me now when I am going through the most difficult decision of my life thus far.

you are a woman full of mystery, and who knows what it means to sacrifice. you have experienced heartache, and have climbed mountains some never even try.

i love you.

I'm there for you

when i say those words to someone, do I really mean it? i have experienced it...people being there for me when it really mattered. one of my favorite scenes of the movie "i am sam" is when michelle pfeiffer's(sp?) character tells someone that she's "here, i'm right here" when in actuality, she's somewhere else...she's not really there, present, willing...

when god says...I am with you always...i don't have a real grasp, understanding, assurance...it's hard to just have "faith" that is the case...sometimes i have the faith...but sometimes i doubt.

and then i think that is when he shows up through people...i have a friend who offered me her job position. she is moving on to something else closer to home. and she called me. this friend who was in my wedding, who was there for me when i had my first car wreck, who was there for me when i told her i was going to some 'cult sounding commune' in adams, tn called youth with a mission.

even though i told her one time that i liked her crush(we were sixteen), even though i said mean things to her, even though i decided i was too good to be a part of her wedding....i say these things not to demean myself, but to contrast. i know that some of them were out of immaturity, and a part of growing up. i have reconciled these things in my heart, and with her.

this friend called me offering me to come in for an interview...the manager was ready to talk with me...if hired i'd be taking her commission checks that she had earned, but wouldn't reap.

she's there for me. and she'd be there more if i wanted her to.

that i can grasp.

she's here.

for me.

now.

father, daddy, papa

so many names for one individual who is shrouded in mystery. not abba, father of jesus…my very own flesh & blood, biological one…I lost contact with him so long ago. at an early age, one where you say yes ma’am and no sir and just do as your told…that sort of age, before the rebellion kicks in. i had so many questions back then, questions that I’d still like answered. so the wondering i am doing now is the question of is it even worth going down the rabbit hole…maybe i am too old to go chasing….it is amazing to me how me, i myself can be so complicated. i just spent an entire day watching season 3 of LOST, and doing absolutely nothing. but, yet, checking my email, linking to 43things.com and it brings me to a world of finding answers, and a dream i so desperately want—reuniting with my father…that’s on my list…my little “life list” if you will…some things on this list are quite silly, and some cut through the surface layers of who i am…deep. i am wondering if our physical body mimics our soul/spirit, whatever one calls the other complex part of us…the one that cannot be seen with the eyes…our skin has layers upon layers…and so does the will, heart, and emotion of a man…”a man’s heart is like deep waters”...isn’t that how the proverb begins…

do I want to go into the water, or am i afraid of drowning. you see, i never learned how to swim…

See more progress on: Reunite with my Father

asking for it...

last week at work I asked someone to "get under my skin", "get on my nerves", whatever idiom you might want to use...basically just be plain mean and just say mean things...

the plan/experiment was to see how much I could take...

okay, last night was the limit. I don't have an exoskeleton for verbal jabbing....also, I am not creative enough to fight back...

now, i am soaking up the words. like a permeation.

digesting them.

believing them.

and today, my heart feels like the weather, cold and dark.

i allow words to have too much power in my life.

at least the wrong ones.

i need new ones.

now.

words like these: redemption-- hope-- gratefulness-- beauty

one plus one is two?

yesterday I made a mathematical error... I divided a number from another number. the wrong number. simple mathematical error. one that my boss was depending on. that "number" went into board room meetings, carrying with it hope, and expectation.

once the error was found, hope was deferred...and made my heart sink, at least, if not everyone else's...

so, I was given the opportunity to correct the number, correct the mistake, and still am working on correcting my mindset regarding the situation.

i know it is not the end of the world. i like to think that i am dependable and reliable. once i realized the weight of my error, i began to question my ability in myself, in my ability to do my job, and do it well...

i was late for work today. i wanted to disappear from my problems. i wanted to be far away from any responsibility, anything that resembles reality. this kind of thing helps me understand why people mask their pain with alcohol or drugs. i get it.

so here i am at work facing the reality that i am mediocre at my job at best, and that i will never have what it takes to be a ceo or executive....did i mention that this mathematical error falls on the heels of another event last week, last friday to be exact? i was caught sleeping on the job by said boss, in which there's an incriminating video floating around...

yeah...definitely not a record month for me so far...

going back to school

okay, so I am finally making a decision….little miss indecisive me! I am going back to school…I haven’t processed all of the details, but I am definitely going back. I am going to major in sociology…or something in social sciences. I think it suits me, being how nosy I am and all…

So, there we go! I said it! That is the first step right?

I have done nothing but think of this the entire day…hmmm…

See more progress on: go back to school