in love

i was in love once. i was in love with someone i later decided to marry. at least i believed i was in love. and as of tuesday morning, i am no longer married to this person. i am no longer 'in love' with this person, either. the truth is, i actually don't really think of him much at all.

now, i am in love with the feeling of being in love. i love it.

here's to being in love...with life...

happy birthday mom!

just wanted to send you a thank you for who you are...

sometimes I don't appreciate all that you've been in my life. and let's face it, there were times when you weren't there at all...

but you made a decision to have another child when you could have just "roevwade"'d me.

and you are here for me now when I am going through the most difficult decision of my life thus far.

you are a woman full of mystery, and who knows what it means to sacrifice. you have experienced heartache, and have climbed mountains some never even try.

i love you.

I'm there for you

when i say those words to someone, do I really mean it? i have experienced it...people being there for me when it really mattered. one of my favorite scenes of the movie "i am sam" is when michelle pfeiffer's(sp?) character tells someone that she's "here, i'm right here" when in actuality, she's somewhere else...she's not really there, present, willing...

when god says...I am with you always...i don't have a real grasp, understanding, assurance...it's hard to just have "faith" that is the case...sometimes i have the faith...but sometimes i doubt.

and then i think that is when he shows up through people...i have a friend who offered me her job position. she is moving on to something else closer to home. and she called me. this friend who was in my wedding, who was there for me when i had my first car wreck, who was there for me when i told her i was going to some 'cult sounding commune' in adams, tn called youth with a mission.

even though i told her one time that i liked her crush(we were sixteen), even though i said mean things to her, even though i decided i was too good to be a part of her wedding....i say these things not to demean myself, but to contrast. i know that some of them were out of immaturity, and a part of growing up. i have reconciled these things in my heart, and with her.

this friend called me offering me to come in for an interview...the manager was ready to talk with me...if hired i'd be taking her commission checks that she had earned, but wouldn't reap.

she's there for me. and she'd be there more if i wanted her to.

that i can grasp.

she's here.

for me.

now.

father, daddy, papa

so many names for one individual who is shrouded in mystery. not abba, father of jesus…my very own flesh & blood, biological one…I lost contact with him so long ago. at an early age, one where you say yes ma’am and no sir and just do as your told…that sort of age, before the rebellion kicks in. i had so many questions back then, questions that I’d still like answered. so the wondering i am doing now is the question of is it even worth going down the rabbit hole…maybe i am too old to go chasing….it is amazing to me how me, i myself can be so complicated. i just spent an entire day watching season 3 of LOST, and doing absolutely nothing. but, yet, checking my email, linking to 43things.com and it brings me to a world of finding answers, and a dream i so desperately want—reuniting with my father…that’s on my list…my little “life list” if you will…some things on this list are quite silly, and some cut through the surface layers of who i am…deep. i am wondering if our physical body mimics our soul/spirit, whatever one calls the other complex part of us…the one that cannot be seen with the eyes…our skin has layers upon layers…and so does the will, heart, and emotion of a man…”a man’s heart is like deep waters”...isn’t that how the proverb begins…

do I want to go into the water, or am i afraid of drowning. you see, i never learned how to swim…

See more progress on: Reunite with my Father

asking for it...

last week at work I asked someone to "get under my skin", "get on my nerves", whatever idiom you might want to use...basically just be plain mean and just say mean things...

the plan/experiment was to see how much I could take...

okay, last night was the limit. I don't have an exoskeleton for verbal jabbing....also, I am not creative enough to fight back...

now, i am soaking up the words. like a permeation.

digesting them.

believing them.

and today, my heart feels like the weather, cold and dark.

i allow words to have too much power in my life.

at least the wrong ones.

i need new ones.

now.

words like these: redemption-- hope-- gratefulness-- beauty

one plus one is two?

yesterday I made a mathematical error... I divided a number from another number. the wrong number. simple mathematical error. one that my boss was depending on. that "number" went into board room meetings, carrying with it hope, and expectation.

once the error was found, hope was deferred...and made my heart sink, at least, if not everyone else's...

so, I was given the opportunity to correct the number, correct the mistake, and still am working on correcting my mindset regarding the situation.

i know it is not the end of the world. i like to think that i am dependable and reliable. once i realized the weight of my error, i began to question my ability in myself, in my ability to do my job, and do it well...

i was late for work today. i wanted to disappear from my problems. i wanted to be far away from any responsibility, anything that resembles reality. this kind of thing helps me understand why people mask their pain with alcohol or drugs. i get it.

so here i am at work facing the reality that i am mediocre at my job at best, and that i will never have what it takes to be a ceo or executive....did i mention that this mathematical error falls on the heels of another event last week, last friday to be exact? i was caught sleeping on the job by said boss, in which there's an incriminating video floating around...

yeah...definitely not a record month for me so far...

going back to school

okay, so I am finally making a decision….little miss indecisive me! I am going back to school…I haven’t processed all of the details, but I am definitely going back. I am going to major in sociology…or something in social sciences. I think it suits me, being how nosy I am and all…

So, there we go! I said it! That is the first step right?

I have done nothing but think of this the entire day…hmmm…

See more progress on: go back to school