maybe I do like Fall after all!

tonight I had the strangest craving, and desire. I wanted roasted marshmallows...Maybe my heart is changing. Perhaps I do like the Fall season... Let's see...

1)Changing leaves
2)Bonfires(and marshmallows)
3)Pumpkin carving
4)Scarves(and mittens)
5)Fireplace lounging with a good book

okay, so there are five things I like about Fall. I still despise the chill in the air...oh well....some things will never change!

my sunday condition

i am currently still in bed...have only had a shower, and sparingly, leftover sushi...haven't even went outside. my body says rest, don't do anything. and because I am trying to be less stubborn, or perhaps because what I am currently reading is good enough to keep me inside...it is bringing up all sorts of thoughts about choices and decisions...

I started to think of the concept of unconditional love...loving someone without condition. Can a person really do that? I mean, isn't that what we do? We love others on the condition that they don't change, they stay the same...or maybe they change, and we wonder if we can love them in this new condition...can we love them the same way?

I also started to think about each choice that we make and how it can create a million and one different outcomes. What choice is right at the time? What if the choice we made 6 years ago was not the right one, and it has lead to this point in time. And sometimes we make the wrong choice, and something really great happens from that decision. I like to think that's where Grace steps in and takes over.

I woke up Saturday morning grateful to be alive. grateful to be in America. I know that sounds cliche but I could have been born in another country, time period, and with less opportunity and fortune. Now, on my worse days I do not think this. I am not always grateful or appreciative for the family I was born into, or the city I've grown up in.

But, Saturday, my "manic" side or "euphoric" side felt that no matter how bad it is for me now, or has been, that it could be so much worse.

Also, spending time with some friends, much needed girl time I might add, celebrating one person's birthday made it so enjoyable. living, for all its woes, is adventurous. living is opportunistic. living life is all about the next choice I am going to make....take the vitamins, or go to bed early, or call that friend I need to reconnect with...decisions decisions...

feelings-can't I just trade them in at Wal-Mart?

Wal-Mart takes anything back right? Well, that being the case, I'd like to take my feelings back. I could do an exchange for some different ones. I don't like the ones I have right now...feelings of loneliness, feelings of sorrow, grieving,etc. I know, I know...feelings just are; you can't just trade them in.

But this girl sure would like to trade them in today. Last night, as I was working, I just began to cry, and I am not even sure exactly what prompted it. I know that I haven't had enough sleep lately. And when I don't get enough sleep, I get emotional. But, this felt deeper, like something had opened up, and wasn't about to be closed again. I have been telling those around me that I haven't even begun to process what has happened to me in the last six months--the change of events.

So, I think that I couldn't hold it in anymore. And so here I am the next morning, and it feels like I have awoke from a dream. Some of the feelings are still left over, and I want to swallow any sadness that I feel. But, I can't. I am feeling it. And I don't like it.

So, as I go shopping with a friend today, I am going to ask that we make a trip to Walley World to see if the retailer that will take anything back will take back my unwanted feelings, and just exchange them for some that I like, like happiness, wonder, satisfaction, contentment, etc.

What does being called look like?

I have been thinking these last few weeks of the reality of being called by God. I can look back on my life and recognize different times in my life where I have felt as though I was meant to serve, follow, believe in God. At this point in my life I believe it would do me no good to walk away from Him, as I have been called. If I run, He will not abandon me. He can't. I am called. I cannot walk away from the faith that I now am holding onto so desperately.

I also have moments where I am truly grateful for grace, favor, blessing and the like. I am going through a period in my life in which I am counting every penny. And honestly, even though I am living my life "without margins"(Andy Stanley reference), I am seeing God's grace in my life. I have "extra". I wasn't expecting to have that. I still am in the red, but I am not unprepared. I can still say no to bankruptcy. This hopefully is an example of diligence and wisdom...(and a little help from Dave Ramsey!)

So, although I have no idea what direction my life is headed, or even where I might lay my head months from now, I have an assurance that I am called...I am beginning to understand that it's not about me...I am called for His purposes. So, it's okay that I don't have it all figured out. :)

...who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity(2Tim 1:9)

humility

I am not sure what to write about on this subject, except to say that I realized something about the definition of humility. This weekend I listened to someone speak on this topic, and quoting someone really smart(I cannot even remember who originally said it!) stated that one who has humility, has a right assessment of oneself.

I never thought of humility in that exact way before. I associate humility as thinking less of yourself, and simply lowering yourself to some status similar to soap scum.

However, humility is acknowledging who you are, and who you are not. For instance, humility doesn't say "I can't sing that well." when you sound like Charlotte Church (or whomever you believe a really talented singer might be.)

I admit that I am good with the verse in the bible that speaks of one esteeming others more than one's self, thinking of others first, you get the idea...But when it comes to acknowledging what i am good at, and what I can do, I tend to just look over my own accomplishments, and try to attribute success to someone else. "They were really helpful, and were the catalyst...yada yada yada. While all these things might be true, I can't negate my own workings in the situation...

so, this week perhaps I will embrace a correct view of myself...no more false pride, just truth.