You read what?

I read this tonight.

I actually enjoy reading this magazine in my spare time. And because I have been in a sleep daze for the past day and 1/2...I bought January's issue going home after work. I tell myself to wait to read it at the library, cuz it's free! But, do I ever actually get around to reading it? no...

So, because the front cover mentioned "hidden causes of fatigue" I thought I might find why I have been exhausted lately, needing sleep like oxygen...

What I found instead was hopefully a little bit of character coming off the pages, speaking to my heart, making me want to exhibit that same sort of character...

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Oprah interview Denzel, and him explaining what passage of John he's reading now...This guy's love is his family...I've always admired him, and loved his movies, or whatever...but to hear him talk about his children and his beliefs made me appreciate him for the kind of life he lives day-to-day, off screen.

And then, after I'd read, sometimes skimmed the pages, on the last page, I find Oprah Winfrey opening up about her "South Africa Heartache".

I was moved to tears reading about a demise of character in her school. What struck me was not just the tragedy of what had happened...the abuse of the girls. What struck me was her action, her determination, her candor.

I saw myself in this situation, and sadly my first reaction would be thinking that I had failed...failed the girls....failed at something else.

And then, I thanked her for sharing a lesson that I am not sure she initially intended. I thanked her for sharing her decisions...She didn't stop to think of the failure, as much as she grieved the situation...She concentrated on "what do do next".

I sometimes pride myself on my "survival" mode of thinking. However, I think that far too often, I stop myself from doing the next thing, and freeze in my "failure thinking". This sounds a bit "new age" I know...

But, if that's the circle I have to pop into temporarily, then so be it!

I want to make it a goal of this coming year -- 2008 -- to think "what to do next".

I don't want this to be some sort of motivational mumbo jumbo...

I want this to be concrete in my life...the "re-framing" how I see things...not seeing events as failure that freezes me into inaction. But, a way of seeing those events so that it propels me to action, propels me to ask the right questions, propels me to see things in the correct light.

I guess this is my first "new year's resolution"?

going shopping

I am looking for a particular color....

several layers please...

is it on sale? I am a bargain hunter!~

What am I looking for?

--thicker skin please--

welcome to the club

i am about to be a divorcee(where's the line over the e on the keypad? I never know). I think this is the first time I've blogged about this topic. why? perhaps out of fear, perhaps I avoid topics that make me uncomfortable...like bathroom humor...gross...

Today, I discussed my impending situation with someone who is new on this....journey? journey of divorce. I was able to "guide" them in the ways of filing...and in the ways of emotion. I have experienced every emotion possible. I still am. emotional.

This is so difficult for me to write about. I am fine in having conversations...hell, what am I saying. I don't even really enjoy discussing the process....I know it is sometimes necessary. I only feel completely comfortable with discussing it with people who have or who are going through it.

Being empathetic, maybe I find it easy to "feel" what they are going through. I think the deeper truth is that I want someone to empathize with what I am feeling...it's hard to understand something you've never experienced.

I love people, but sometimes I fear becoming a loner. I need people in my life. I know this, and even want this....sometimes, it's just easier to be alone.

I am switching locations at the office job. I am moving from the "mail room" which is assumed to be a lame place to be, to a corner cubicle with windows letting in the sunshine...

One would assume that I would absolutely LOVE this new location, but I honestly am a little apprehensive, as I wonder if this will turn me into the person who just "hides" in her cubie...?

hmmm...I do have some wonderful co-workers who probably won't allow that to happen!

www.thistlefarms.org

I experienced a "home party" Thursday night from these ladies from Magdalene. It was a beautiful story of redemption, and second chances.

These women come in off the street, and sometimes this place of recovery is often their last hope. They are able to stay in this home for two years rent free, essentially free from all the responsibilities of the world. They are then given love which they've never fully had. They are given a chance to start their life all over again...

I want to share with everyone I know about this place. The women learn life skills, like making bath & body products, and selling them. They learn how to work with one another on a daily business. Their products can be ordered online, or in certain stores across the U.S.

Something clicked for me that night. I want to be able to work/volunteer in an environment where people are given second chances everyday. It's messy. It's unpredictable. But perfection and predictability have never been the flow of my life...

I immediately wanted to volunteer here...then almost as immediate came the thought of "yeah, but are you gonna flake out of that?" This is how I think, and sadly how I can be. I am not "super hard on myself"...just doing a reality check...

I signed up for the volunteer newsletter...we'll see...

But, I really hope that anyone who reads this will seriously check this place out...
Becca Stevens, the Episcopal priest who started this non-profit has her own story of redemption, and has definitely started something beautiful.

mind games

my mind is playing tricks on me...it's unsettled, and churning. it is playing tricks on my emotions. i can't figure out how to make it stop. it is doing that thing that it does to me when i am directionless, clueless...

i need vision. i need clarity. i need truth.

i watched the barbara walters interview in which she named j.k. rowling as the most fascinating person of the year. j.k. was going about her life, but had a one track mind of writing...it didn't matter what else was going on in her life. school, marriage, baby, divorce...she wanted to write. and on a train ride, harry potter came to life and j.k. became a published author.

i want to have a one track mind. maybe i need to go on a nice train ride.

I thought bars were where you got picked up-all sleazy like

I have this friend who went Chick-Fil-A and was waiting on a drink refill. As they were waiting, they were discussing how cold it was and how crazy it was for people to still dress so lightly, to the point of still wearing skirts.

At which a middle-aged man, suited and professional kemptness, decided it was time to pipe in and ask these ladies where they worked....pardoning himself by saying he couldn't help but overhear the conversation, about wearing short skirts..

"where do you ladies work in these short skirts?"

no joke, that's the honest truth..somebody really asked that in the middle of a family fast food establishment...

This is why no one asks me these questions, on account of my foot in mouth disease, cuz I straight would have said a few inappropriate things...like "well, on Sundays, I am at Hooters, and then on Monday-Friday, you can catch me at that DeJa Vu place...yeah, I'm sure you know the one...I bet you visit it all the time... Funny you've never seen me there...well I'll be....maybe next time."

yep, it's late, and I need to go to bed......I am shameless, absolutely shameless!

one day

I will see the fruit of my labor....I am not sure how hard at both jobs that I really work...Usually it feels like when I put in a "kick ass" day at one, I slug it out at the other...I never quite feel a 100% at both...I love both jobs. I love people, let's be honest. The only time I don't like people is when one person tries to diminish another person(co-worker) to another person, probably in management level....

I guess I have "ratted" on a few souls in my life as well just to try to make myself seem better, or for the darts to be thrown in someone else's direction....

Sometimes it just seems so petty...

One day, I will not be working 2 jobs. One day, I will be doing a fantabulous job at one corporation, doin' my people skills thing(hopefully travelling)...and making college degree money....and hopefully by that time I will have actually went back to school and got that so-called degree.

One day, I will be able to fantasize about vacations to exotic places....like the coast of Florida! (smile)

don't mistake this as complaining...it's actually visioneering...I know full well what brought me to the 2 job dilemma, to the point I never hope to repeat it. I am no stranger to hard work, I have not been brought up to be lazy. And most days it's not bad at all...

i just look forward to the day when I can breathe a little.

selah.

'roids rage?

so, just in case i ever get a drug test, i will have to explain the traces of steroids in my system..I went to the doctor (med clinic actually) and got a steroid shot...y'know in the buttocks as Forrest Gump would say...

it's my second one this year...I think that this med clinic gives them like candy...although, I must admit, it made me feel much better later on...

no wonder these athletes take'em...there is a sort of feeling of almost unlimited powerfulness...in case you're wondering, I didn't get all angry though...:0)

anyway, all in all, it was a good thing I went. I needed the meds....

sleep, here I come!

breakdown

i am sick...

the kind of sick that keeps me under the covers sleeping in...reading novels....dreaming some crazy dream, and then waking up realizing i just broke a fever....

it could be worse....I could have the flu...I think what I have is just some cold from the deep dark pits of hell...okay maybe not that bad...

I slept till 12pm today, and then until 2pm....finally began stirring around 5pm or 6pm...waiting to see if someone will graciously trade shifts with me tomorrow night...

this makes me think all sorts of things...it opens the wound of me asking for help, and needing someone so desperately. I don't want to work tomorrow night. I don't even think I can work tomorrow during the day. But, unlike the job tomorrow night, I don't really have to ask....I have probably one of the best bosses in the world, who will let me take the time off I need. and some of the important things I should do for that job, I can do at home. But the other one requires a live body, it doesn't matter if it's not me...

and as I am waiting, I wonder why not the immediate "yes, I will work for you, and trade with you on another night's work". When someone asks me, I usually say yes, or on the rare chance no...I don't make someone wait for hours until I make my decision. why am i having to wait? do they understand that I would do this for them? and have?

that's another part that is frustrating to me....I am flaky in a lot of things, but I will work for a person without question if I know how badly they need it...I am not flippantly asking here...I have a real need. can't they just say yes, and not keep me hanging...or, even say no, but do it sooner than later...

i am ranting, and this is definitely a "wild hair" blog...but, I just don't understand.

what this does, what is really going on here...my fear is coming to fruition. I fear that when I really need someone, they will not be there. and that's why the waiting is affecting me so much more than it should...

silliness, I know.