sometimes I get it right...

At work lately, I have not been doing so well...missing deadlines, poor customer service, and just bad miscalculations...

Well, today, I am giving myself a pat on the back.

I remembered something that needed renewal for our company to keep up and running.

Last year at this time, the renewal expired with no one knowing. This in turn caused our site to be completely down.

This year, because of better communication we discussed the expiration coming up soon...And today, I followed up on what to do about the renewal....All it will take is a simple email requesting approval, and we're good to go.

So, yeah, sometimes I get it right, and actually deliver results, good "pat on the back" results.

a good day

today was a good day.

One of my issues -- there are so many -- came to the surface last night after a friend's text message. texting. it's so easy to just write a simple few lines. but, the problem is the lack of real communication. that is when you have to actually talk. and that's what I did today.

We were simply texting back and forth, and this person made a joke, that just simply went too far, well, too far for me. I overreacted, and simply had a moment. I slept on it, and then was able to deal with it today. Thinking about the best way to let someone know that they hurt my feelings, and then actually telling them...that's progress for me. Usually, I just mope, and react, and then just go inward. I usually somehow turn it around, and simply wonder what it was that I did. Not this time. I knew that my initial reaction was one of self-defense. But, I was able to move past that, and think about what I could do to move past the moment.

And, the person who "hurt my feelings" apologized, and then we were able to talk it out. Now, I know for some that this is just simple and common-sense type of stuff. I am not one of those people who can just simply communicate my feelings, opinions, etc. I have a "people pleasing filter" and co-dependant slant.

O, here's to progress...

oh, and did I mention that I also finished watching the last two episodes of LOST? Is anybody else as confused as I am?

c-r-a-z-y.

oh, and did I mention that I had a good day? I hope I am able to have more really soon.

reality vs. illusion

This weekend, my roommate's family was in town to celebrate her sister's graduation. By family I mean, parents, grandparents, and siblings. Did I mention that they were all in the house at one time? I was drugged up the entire weekend. I don't mean "smack" or "mary jane" or any other slang for illegal substances. I mean the intoxication of family. For me, getting to eavesdrop on another family makes me high....in a "manic" sort of way, with no lithium to sort it out.

Saturday, however, I broke away from this experience to travel to my own hometown to visit my mom and my grandparents. Sometimes, when I come home I feel like a stranger. I truly am a stranger. I don't know them, and they don't really know me. This is the reality. I love them dearly, and am proud to have been born in such a hard-working family. In truth, there's so much about my family I don't know. There's so much that is a mystery. It eludes me how to get that back, how to bridge the distance of not knowing to knowing.

Now, my roomate's family is leaving, and I think my hangover is starting. But, just like a recent Grey's Anatomy episode I watched, I must choose to live in the reality of the situation, and not fantasize about this family, one that I don't even know better than my own.

The reality is that I think the grass is greener. But, I know deep down that it's not.

My family, for all its differences and mishaps and misgivings, is a pretty solid group of people...I have learned great things from them, even if it's been from mistakes. They've stood by me during my crazy "holy-roller" days, and even thus far, with my divorce. They don't give up on me.

I am not giving up the hope of knowing them...my family, that is.

parties

Yesterday I went to my first and last college party. I am not in college(in a normal sort of way, anyway), nor would I ever formally be invited to something like that. we were there dropping off someone who lives there. There was a boy there who I had a crush on, in which the fruition of this has now become a personal mission, not a mission in pursuing him, but a mission to help him in whom he is pursuing! He is crushing on a co-worker of mine, and I hope to make it my personal mission to get them together. it feels good. it feels good to help others in their love life. I do not want a love life of my own right now. That is not a language I currently want to be speaking right now.

Last night, before the random college party visit, I was able to go to this chic's cd release party. I had such a fun time hanging out with friends. I sometimes found it hard to sit still because I enjoy dancing in my seat so much. I pretty much enjoy dancing any chance I get. I have that annoying habit of dancing around whenever I might here music...in the grocery store, in line at the post office. My mom, would always nudge me and tell me to stand still. Five minutes later, I'd be at it again. I guess some things never change...

feels like home

right now I am currently typing in my room while my roomates are asleep upstairs. can I tell you that I've never had roomates? when I was in YWAM, I shared a room with others, but that felt more like a dorm...not necessarily a roomate situation.

i've been thinking lately about the course of my life over the last year. it has been just over a year since my ex-husband stopped working. I think this time last year was when I started to break down. it was about july last year when I started wondering where we were going to live. I was panicking that the two options would be to be homeless, or move back to his parents small living quarters. he did have to move back home, but I think this option was good for him as he will have loved ones who can love him unconditionally, and take care of him

i feel like I am finally at peace about where I am living. I rent, and don't own a home of my own. But the house I rent is beautiful, and I love the people that I share this home with. It is warm, inviting, and safe and quiet.

for someone that prides herself on such little belongings, I recently bought a bed and sheets, pillows, and the like. Some would say, well of course you need to spend money on that. But this cheap gal agonized over every buying decision. But after all the agonizing is over, I have a great little piece of furniture to sleep peacefully at night.

it does feel like home.

back and forth

Today I keep going back and forth between two extremes--hope and apathy.

Today I am sorrowful for a friend of mine who is having to say goodbye to a faithful pet, and having to say goodbye to an unfaithful love.

Today I am overjoyed for friend of mine who is having a whirlwind of a romance, possibly debating if this person is ‘the one’.

Today I am admiring another friend of mine who is having to make a bold move and walk away from a relationship prospect, a promising one at that.

And as I remember my own experiences with love lost this past year or so, I still find myself hopeful. How can that be, I ask. And then, I crush the hopefulness in my hand, and reach out for the cynicism that proves to be a welcome guest in my home these days. I cannot trust hope. I cannot trust myself with hope.

There is this guy who plays songs on a keyboard making a statement of risking a chance at something, a love so thick, so real, so passionate you can taste it. At this point in my life, the risk is not worth it.

There are people all over the globe who are making the choice-saying yes, walking away, and deciding if the risk is worth taking.

I am not sure if the risk will ever again be worth taking for me. To let someone in so close that you can literally taste the experience is too dangerous.

I think I will continue to push down the hope so far down that it is unrecognizable to me. I am sure some psychologist somewhere would call this self-preservation. I cannot disagree. This is all a part of my survival. I am good at surviving.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I still know how to be hopeful for those around me, and will continue to do so,.

This is safe for me. This is real. This is what I can take. This is somethin’.

just wanted to say...

that I think this chic is amazing. thanks brooke for sharing at a crowded coffeehouse with a captive audience. beautiful.

not very pretty...but I get by

someone thinks I should blog a bit more...well, here goes.

let's see what comes out of this brain at one in the morn'. I was thinking so much today about being pretty, being beautiful, and yes, even sexy...quite frankly i think those three adjectives are not quite as similar as one might find them to be in a thesaurus.

my state of mind has contained each three at various times. and even all three were today.

when going out to lunch with my office mates, I thought I was pretty...not beautiful, but pretty. pretty and confident in a dorky sort of way. I am never confident in that businessy ceo chic way. I am simply me....funny, silly, quirky...oh, so quirky oh, and don't forget absent-minded...and all the while feeling pretty while chatting it up about boys and the like...not feeling pretty cuz we're talking about boys, but because we feel pretty, we talk about boys(and other things, too!)

then there's beautiful....listening to people play music, sing their songs, and getting caught up in the moment, in the joy of their moment. that makes me feel beautiful. like listening to them makes me beautiful; strange concept I know.

side note: tonight, while watching american idol, natasha bedingfield was singing. she is beautiful.

lastly, feeling sexy was a very minute part of my day, but definitely happened to occur. compliments from an entire table of people definitely can give a gal a boost. red lipstick doesn't hurt either;)


in reflecting my mood regarding my own appeal...I realize that I feel based on my experiences around me....

I think that I want to really feel beautiful all the time. that's my niche. not because I think I am, but because I feel that way not based on my looks, but my connection and appreciation with my surroundings. it is the state of mind I like best.


maybe the next time someone tries to tell me I am attractive, I will listen. we'll see...